Retirement Meets Real Marriage

We talk candidly about how retirement changes marriage when the old structure disappears and you suddenly have a lot more together time. We share practical ways to protect your independence, lower resentment, and build a life that feels good even when your spouse stays exactly who they’ve always been. 
• retirement revealing hidden friction once busyness is gone 
• small daily annoyances turning into big fights over routines 
• power balance changes when roles and lanes shift 
• mismatched retirement visions and the need to negotiate 
• choosing independence and separate interests because you are not nuns 
• dropping the fantasy of a personality transplant after retirement 
• focusing on self-created happiness instead of waiting on a partner 
• building new routines around food, chores, and time at home 
• using humor to keep the small things small 
• letting the marriage evolve and addressing resentment with grace 
If you enjoyed today's episode, share it with somebody who has recently retired, is thinking about retirement, or is currently hiding from their spouse in another room. 

Transcript

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Welcome And Life Update

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hello and welcome to AG Need for Sissies. My name is Marcy Backis and I am your host. Did a little music mix this morning. I hope you like it. I love this entry. Out of all my podcasts, it's my favorite one. Well, we've got two more episodes on our guide to retirement. We've talked about a lot of things. This week we're going to talk about marriage and retirement. Wait, you're home again? You know the feeling. We'll talk about that. Let me catch you up on what I've been doing. I was traveling, as you know, if you listen to my podcast regularly, I was in Arizona for a little over a week. Started out at my good friend Annette's house. She has a new home and it was beautiful. They built it. It's gorgeous. They have a nice little guest casito, which I enjoyed immensely. And um, just good, good times. We did some working out in the pool, and I don't know. It was relaxing. It's what I needed after Craig's stroke and our five days in the hospital. And I needed a little bit of get my act back together. Craig is doing well, very well, back to work, not back to everything yet, but close. Uh he really wants to get back to running, but a little physical therapy. That left side's a little weak. So gotta work on that because I don't want him tripping and breaking anything, and neither does he. So he's gonna have to be a little patient. He's doing good. It's hard for him. Let's see. Um, then I went down to my family's. I went down to my nephew's house and spent time with him and his family and just relaxed, had a great time. I saw my good friend Karen, who was the maid of honor at my wedding. Um every time I see her, it's like no time has passed. And we just chat and we have, we relate, we have, I don't know. She wasn't in my life for a really long time just because our lives went in two different directions and we got busy. And I honestly am so glad she's back in my life. So if you're listening,

Why Retirement Hits Marriage Hard

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Karen, you know how much you mean to me. So onward and upward, we're gonna talk about, oh God, I don't know about you. Marriage and retirement is a whole nother animal. I I think not all, I think some of us may have been prepared. Uh, Craig is not fully retired. So let me just preface that. But he was for a while in between jobs. And uh wow, and even now uh there's we'll talk about it, we'll get into that. But again, I am Marcy, and today we're talking about something that I suspect a whole lot of us were completely unprepared for: marriage and retirement. Or as I like to call it, wait, you're home again? Because apparently retirement is not just about sleeping later, taking naps, having lunch with friends, and finally getting around to cleaning out that junk door. It's not, no, it also means suddenly looking across the room at that person you married decades ago and thinking, so what are we exactly supposed to do with each other all day? And this one, friends, is a doozy because marriage changes in retirement. We change, our routines change, our expectations change, our bodies continue to change. As we've talked about, friendships change and careers actually end, and our children are growing up. And sometimes your parents are still here, and sometimes they're not. And then one day you realize that all of those things that kept your lives moving in parallel for years are gone. And there you are together. A lot. A lot. Yeah. So today I thought it would be good to talk about how to survive marriage and retirement without killing each other over the thermostat, the dishwasher, the television remote, or the correct way to load a Costco cart. Welcome to the survival guides.

When Busyness Stops Hiding Problems

SPEAKER_00 4:29

Here's what nobody really tells you about marriage. When you first get married, you are building a life. You're working, maybe raising kids, maybe not, paying bills, buying homes, selling homes, changing jobs, running to soccer practice, going to school events, taking care of parents, going to weddings, funerals, doing laundry, trying to remember whose turn it is to call the plumber. Life keeps you busy. Sometimes very busy. And that busyness can cover up a whole lot. You cannot even realize how much of your marriage exists inside that structure until the structure changes. Retirement comes along and basically says, okay, kids, let's see what we've got left here to work with. Suddenly there aren't eight other things demanding your attention. And now you have time. Time to talk. Time to notice each other. Time to irritate each other. Time to wonder why your your spouse has a time to wonder why your spouse has apparently been chewing that loudly for 35 years and you just noticed it. I'm just gonna put a confessional here. I cannot stand listening to Craig click the remote for the TV. I want to go through click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, city, click, click. Oh my god. I think I'm gonna lose my mind. Okay, that was my confessional. I think one of the biggest retirement in this is that couples retire and immediately become these adorable people in matching linen outfits walking hand in hand on the beach. I'd like to know who those people are. Because I have questions. Are they actually married? Have they been married a long time? Do those people share a bathroom? I want to know. Or is it later in life romance? Anyways, has either of them ever asked the other, what do you want for dinner? And heard, I don't care, followed by the rejection of every single solitary suggestion. That is marriage. Retirement just gives us more time to experience it.

Power Shifts And Lane Drifting

SPEAKER_00 6:49

Nobody warned us that retirement could actually change the power balance in a marriage. For decades, you each had a role. Maybe one person worked more, the other person handled the house. One person paid the bills, the other person planned the social calendar. Maybe you both worked and divided everything. Maybe one of you did it all and the other one just worked. Then retirement happens and somebody starts drifting into somebody's lane. How rude! How rude Craig makes plans. And I've been the planner all this time. Think about it. You've had your lanes, and all of a sudden there's some drifting happening. All of a sudden, your spouse is offering helpful suggestions on how you should do something you have successfully done for approximately 4,000 years. Thank you very much. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. You're folding laundry and suddenly there's a consultant. You're cooking dinner and suddenly Gordon Ramsey lives in your kitchen. You're driving, and now apparently you've hired a navigator. And you think, Where was this enthusiasm in 1997? Another

Togetherness Versus Independence

SPEAKER_00 8:08

thing nobody warns you about is that couples do not always retire emotionally at the same time. One person may think, this is freedom. Let's travel, classes, let's go out, let's try new things. Well, the other one's thinking, I've waited 40 years to sit in this chair and take a nap. And guess what? Neither one of you is wrong. But there are different visions and versions. One person may want togetherness. My new thing I say to Craig is, we're not nuns. If you don't know, nuns have to travel in pairs. So when we're getting too much togetherness, and I'm gonna, and Craig goes, Oh, I want to go. I say, we're not nuns. We're not nuns. That's my new thing. The other may want independence. One wants to go to Italy, the other one wants to go to Home Depot. And suddenly you realize retirement requires negotiation. And there's a lot of negotiation. You do not have to do everything together. You are not nuns. This may be my favorite survival strategy. Retirement does not mean becoming one person. You are still allowed to have separate interests, separate friends, separate hobbies, separate afternoons, and maybe even separate vacations every once in a while. I actually think independence can make a relationship healthier. You need things to come home and talk about. If you spend every waking moment together, what exactly is the conversation at dinner? How was your day? Well, I don't know, you were there. There needs to be some separation. Go to your exercise class, meet your friends, join the book club, play golf, take a class, volunteer, sit in Starbucks for two hours reading People magazine. I don't care. Whatever brings you joy. Your spouse does not have to participate in every single thing you enjoy. And vice versa. And vice versa. This is not summer camp. Nobody is assigning partners. Okay. And that's huge. Um, Craig and I have become that couple at church that are always together because we participate in all our church activities together. And I'm fine with that. Why am I fine with that? Because I have my own life. I have my own groups, I do my own thing. I don't mind the little bit of none time that we have. And it's pretty funny because I always used to look at those people at church and think, wow, how do they do that? Because Craig and I, when we were both working when we lived in the giant house, we're completely grown apart. Completely grown apart. I can't even tell you. So downsizing, retiring and downsizing will bring you together whether you want it or not. And I've tried to find the good and the negative, get rid of the negative and keep the good. It's not always easy. So here's another survival strategy. Number two. Let's call this number two. This one

Let Go Of The Fantasy Spouse

SPEAKER_00 11:11

is hard because retirement comes with fantasies. We imagine how life is going to be. We'll travel together, exercise together, cook together, we'll have long conversations, reconnect. And maybe some of that does happen. But here's the problem: your spouse is still your spouse. Retirement doesn't come with a personality transplant. And I think that has been the hardest thing for me to realize about Craig. Craig is Craig. And although I've known that Craig for a really long time, there's pieces that I miss. And I was hoping to find those. And they're not there. And I'm learning to deal with that. So if they're not a big talker before retirement, they're not going to be one after. Okay. We can hope people will grow. We can ask for things. We can communicate. But expecting someone to become the person we wish, we wish that they were is exhausting. And I'm I've been dealing with that a lot lately. And my therapist has told me. Yes, I go to therapy. My therapist has told me at the end of the day, I need to check in with myself. And am I happy? And did I have a good day? I need to stop worrying about Craig and things I want different. As such, when Craig had his stroke, there was some issues with that. Normally I'm the one that has issues, medical issues. And it was a very big turn of events to have Craig have medical issues. What I found happening is Craig has not always been there at all for my medical issues. And I understand I've had a lot, and that can be exhausting, but he's never been there, not even from the very first one. And I found a huge amount of resentment of what he expected from me when he was in the hospital, knowing how little I've gotten in my life. And that was a big, that was a lot. Sorry to lay that on all of you, but that was a lot to deal with. Okay. So things aren't going to change. But again, what did my therapist tell me? Focus on myself. And that's what I've been doing. So if that helps you in this little piece, then yay. Because I'm going to tell you next to make sure you have a life that belongs to you. All right. You better have independence. If you've got one of those needy men, you got to fix that, honestly, because retirement will do you in. You each need to have your own life. It's the healthiest thing you can do. Stop waiting for someone else to create our happiness. We need to do it ourselves. It does sound simple. It's not. And I've been working on this for the last six months. It is not. Especially if you've been one of those people that has spent decades thinking, when we retire, then well. When we retire, we'll travel. When we retire, if you've had expectations and retirement arrives and someone, sometimes the fairy tale doesn't, your health declines, your money declines faster, any of those things. It doesn't mean your life is over. It means you may need to ask, what do I want? What makes me happy? What gives my day meaning? Now I know there's men that listen to this and women, and I'm talking to you both equally in this. I know sometimes it sounds like I'm talking only to the women because I am a woman, but I'm not. I am telling you, if you've got a wife and is not giving you what you need emotionally fulfilling you, you need to figure yourself out. We all do. Okay. Build a life, a full life, friends, interests, movement, travel, community, whatever fills you up. Your marriage should be a part of your life. It should not be your entire life. Now, Craig is still working, but he works across the street at our cathedral. So sometimes I come in from the gym, I'm exhausted, and he's sitting eating his lunch, and I just think, oh, what are you doing here? Go back to work. So even though he's not retired, I can still have those same feelings, you know. Reminder:

New Routines Food And Chores

SPEAKER_00 15:24

retirement changes routines, and routines matter. If you think I want to be retired so I don't have a routine, you're gonna hate it. Most of you. Maybe someone doesn't. You still need a routine. Who gets up first, who wants quiet in the morning, who wants the television on, who cooks, who shops, who cleans. Some of that's been changed. I don't cook anymore at all. I stopped a couple months ago. I'll do it occasionally. We live in downtown Chicago. We eat out a couple times a week, and then everybody's on his own or her own. I cook a couple times a week now. And if I do, I usually cook at noon. I don't want a big dinner. So Craig will come from the cathedral and we'll have a cooked lunch together. But most of the time, I don't do it anymore. I'm sick and tired of being the cooker. And you know what? The honest truth is, Craig and I both aren't that hungry anymore. We're both on a GLP one, both for different reasons, but we've been on them. Our appetite's not huge. So it's working for us. We'll sit on the couch, we'll play a game, we'll do backgammon, we may go down to the patio here and do something, but we don't have to eat together to be together. He'll make what he wants and I'll make what I want. Tonight we're going to the grocery store, he'll pick up what he needs, I'll pick up what I need. Life changes, things change. The other thing is, he's the dishwasher emptier. He never did that in our entire marriage. But when we moved here, and it was just the two of us and no more kids at home, and I was doing all the cooking, I loaded the dishwasher. His job is to unload it, and he still does. And that little thing took a huge resentment off my list. And that's funny, isn't it? You're gonna have to realize that if you are the one that communicates with family and plans things, that's probably the way it's gonna stay. I still make sure we see the kids, the kids see us, blah, blah, blah. That's not in Craig's in his universe. And I do give Craig a cut, a break, so to speak, because he's still working by choice, but he's still working. So I do take on uh a heavier burden, but honestly, anything I've asked him to take on, he does. And I want to remind you if you don't figure out how much you're spending, how often you see friends and all these things, and you don't deal with it, these tie and there's an issue with your feeling some resentment, they're gonna get bigger. If one person thinks retirement means eating dinner at five while watching television all evening, and the other thinks it means going downtown for dinner and seeing a play, that needs a conversation. I will say I'm very blessed that Craig and I see retirement eye to eye. We see the right amount of travel. I'm allowed. I shouldn't say allowed because it's never been that way. Craig's always let me do whatever I want. Last year, or this year in the winter, I went on a six-week road trip by myself to the to warmer areas. He never would tell me no. Um, I just came back from a trip on my own. So I do trips on my own. We do trips together. And we have seen, and we love to go to plays, we love to go to music, we do a lot of things together. And I will tell you, if we had stayed in California in the big house, it wouldn't be anything like this. Downsizing and living in a high-rise and having no other commitments and things that we have to worry about have allowed us to focus on our lives. Some ways it's good, some ways it's not. I don't want to sound like I've got it all figured out because guess what? I don't. Otherwise, I wouldn't be in therapy. But my therapy is important to keep my head on straight. All right, survival strategy number five. You've got

Use Humor To Keep Things Small

SPEAKER_00 19:27

to laugh. You have got to laugh. So I will tell you what's been funny. So Craig has always been pretty indifferent. He's not a great communicator. Um, that's just Craig, right? Well, when he had the stroke, and Craig didn't always pay attention to what I told him. So he didn't have a good memory of whatever's happening in life. I always go through it on Monday, but whatever. So I when I would be talking to him and he would seem to have forgotten something. Like I got to um Arizona and I got to my girlfriend's house, and he said, when I talked to him on the phone, because he had to call me twice a day because he had a stroke a week before. Um, he said, So how is it at David's? And I'm like, I'm not at David's. I'm at Annette's. He said, Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember. I said, you know, Craig, it's really hard. I can't tell if it's the stroke memory issue or if it's just your usual indifference. And he actually laughed because, yeah, I struggled after his stroke to realize, is it his memory? Because there was a little bit of memory issue. Or if it's just his usual, I don't care. All right. So you have to have humor. Marriage is absolutely frickin' ridiculous. Long-term marriage is especially hilarious. You have shared illness, vacation, bad haircuts, financial disasters, family dramas, home repairs, children's pets here, pets gone, arguments that started over something so stupid neither one of you even remembers what it was. There is something deeply funny about spending decades with another imperfect human being. Sometimes humor is what keeps the small things small. Now, you can't laugh off real problems, but everyday annoyances, yeah, you can. Remember, perspective matters. Sometimes the spatula is 35 years of resentment, in which case, maybe put the spatula down. Are you arguing over that spatula? Don't all right, strategy number six, your marriage is allowed to change.

Let The Marriage Evolve

SPEAKER_00 21:37

Let it change, let it evolve. Don't try to stop it. Direct it, keep it positive, but things are going to change and allow it. Ask your partner what they may want different moving forward. I have uh Craig and I have had that conversation. I've put up with some things for 35 years I'm not willing to put up with anymore. And he needs to work on it, and vice versa. And we're both doing our best. I also know I can't change the past. And that was the hardest part I had with him in the hospital, is I can't go back and change what I needed from him all of my hospitalizations, and there's been too many to count. I gotta let it go. It almost killed me when he was in the hospital. It was a tough thing. Because I couldn't be nice because I have a lot of resentment, and I've got to let that go. He's gonna try better. He knows why I was mad, and he's gonna try better moving forward, and I have to give him that grace. So do the same, whatever your, whatever your giant resentment is, because they didn't do blah, blah, blah for all these years. So why should you figure out what that is? It's in the past. You can't change it. Try to talk with them and figure out how to change it going forward. What am I doing differently? Well, as I've gotten older, I think I've become more aware that I am responsible for creating a life that feels good to me. And I'm blessed to have a partner that doesn't resent that. Old habits are strong, remember that. I don't want to live that way anymore. Allow things to change. I want to enjoy my life. I want friends, I want travel, whatever it is, put it out there. I want my podcast. Maybe you want to do a podcast. Maybe you think I could do a podcast better than Marcy. I'm sure you can. Do one. If you want laughter, laugh. I want things on my calendar that I'm excited about. I have them. I hope you do. Do you want to keep discovering things? Do you want to stop waiting? Do it all. This is your chance. And again, if you want to take a freaking three-hour nap on your couch, you just go right ahead and do it. If you want to sit in bed all on a cold winter's day when it's zero degrees outside, I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, and watch an entire season of a show on Netflix. Go ahead. Go ahead. I had someone say to me that they they felt that taking, they thought in their head that taking naps was a weakness. You're weak. And they're they're learning in retirement. That's not true. I love that. You know, you're not alone. If retirement has made you look at your marriage differently, you are absolutely not alone. Lots of couples discover that this chapter requires adjustments. Some of them big, some of them not. You may love your spouse to the moon and back and you still need more space. You may enjoy your marriage and still want separate interests. You may be disappointed in parts of your relationship and still choose to stay. Let me repeat that one. Because this one hits home for me. You may be disappointed in parts of your relationship and still choose to stay. And that's okay. For whatever your reasons are, but make sure you're happy. You are in charge of your happiness, no one else. You may be rebuilding something, you may be redefining something. You may simply be learning how to live together in a completely different way. There is no one correct retirement marriage. You do not have to become the couples in the cruise commercial. You do not have to play pickleball together. You do not need matching bicycles. You do not need to spend every Saturday morning at the farmer's market holding hands and skipping along. Although, if you enjoy any of those things, do it. Craig and I enjoy riding our bikes together. The goal is not to perform a perfect marriage. The goal is to build a life that works for both of you. Both of you living your best life. So,

Weekly Challenge And Closing

SPEAKER_00 26:07

as I always do, here is your weekly survival challenge. Ask yourself one question. What is one thing I want more of in more of in my life that I can create for myself? Not something your spouse has to do, not something your kids have to do. Nobody else can participate in this. What is one thing I want more out of my life that I can create for myself? Something that you can create for you. Maybe you want more friendships. Call somebody. Maybe you want more adventure. Plan something. Maybe you want more movement. Take a class. Maybe you want more quiet. Protect an afternoon. Maybe you want more fun. Go find some. Your life is yours. Marriage is only a part of the story. It isn't the whole story. And I think that's the key. For a lot of us married for a long time, it's become our whole story. And it's not. It's only a part of it. So that is today's Aging Survival Guide, Marriage and Retirement. It turns out happily ever after apparently includes negotiating thermostat settings, figuring out who keeps moving your things, and occasionally saying, I love you very much, but I need you to go somewhere for three hours. We're not nuns. And honestly, maybe that is happily ever after, not perfection, not constant togetherness, just two very imperfect people trying to figure out another chapter. Next up in our survival guide, in the last chapter, we're moving into the holidays. Family expectations, traditions, money, travel, and the annual question: Why are we still doing this? That should be fun, don't you think? If you enjoyed today's episode, share it with somebody who has recently retired, is thinking about retirement, or is currently hiding from their spouse in another room. And remember, aging A for sissies, but we might as well have some fun while we're doing it. I am Marcy, and I look forward to talking to you next time.