Children Of Mine Please Answer The Holiday Text

I send a very honest “children of mine” text because I want a holiday with my adult kids, and it sparks a bigger truth about how family traditions change as we age. We talk through the grief and the logistics, then lay out simple strategies for building a new holiday that prioritizes connection over perfection. 
• why holidays shift when kids grow up and families spread out 
• the hidden grief of changing traditions and why it is normal 
• asking what everyone wants before making plans 
• letting go of the exact date to get more time together 
• creating new traditions that fit your family now 
• simplifying the “Hallmark” holiday and dropping perfection 
• telling the truth without weaponizing guilt 
• planning early to cut stress and cost 
Your survival challenge of the week is before the week is over, contact the people you hope to spend the holidays with. Don't do not announce a plan. Ask a question. Try something like what would make the holidays fun for you this year? Or is there a way we can get together sometime for the holidays? Where do you want to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas? Then just listen. 

Transcript

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Welcome And The Holiday Text

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello and welcome to Aging Aim for Sissies. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Well, I want to welcome you back to Aging Aim for Sissies and to another episode of our Aging Survival Guide. We're almost to the end. Next week is the last episode of the Survival Guide, and then I'll put it all together on my website. Anyways, today we're going to talk about the holidays. And apparently I have officially become that mother. This morning, I sent my adult children a text that started with, okay, children of mine. Now, nothing ever good starts with children of mine. That phrase uses phrase usually means one thing. I need something, I'm disappointed, or I'm about to remind you that I gave birth to you. In this particular case, maybe all three. Not really. Disappointed, I'm not. No, no, no, no. But in this particular case, I wanted something. I want a holiday with my kids. That's it. I don't care if it's Chicago, Denver, California. I don't care if we eat turkeys, tacos, or takeout. Okay, maybe I care a little. Not really, I don't. But mostly I just want us to be together. So I sent this text to my kids. Okay, children of mine, we are a family. What do the holidays look like for the two of you? Does anybody want to come to Chicago? Do we all want to meet in California? Do we all want to meet in Denver? I only have so many years left on this planet, and I would love to spend a holiday with you guys. This is your mother laying a guilt trip. I have received many from the two of you. I love you both. And I posted it all over social media. I did. I love my kids. We all live in three different places. But I really would like to spend some time every once in a while, all of us together. I spend time with each of them, but sometimes I want a whole little cluster. And I stand by this text. I even admitted it was a guilt trip. I said it right in there. And trust me, I got when Alec lived in Chicago, I would get things like, I need $5 to buy a new snow coat at the Goodwill. I'm here living in Chicago freezing. I'd get texts like that all the time from Alec and Kyle too. I've had a really rough week. You know, I and I it's and then can I? Yeah, you know how it goes. All right. I admitted it was a guilt trip. That's what I call full disclosure parenting. I am not manipulating anyone. I am simply manipulating them honestly. There is a difference. And that text got me thinking about something that nobody really prepares you for.

When Holidays Stop Looking The Same

SPEAKER_00 2:57

The holidays changing. They change when your parents get older. They change when your kids grow up. They change when everybody moves away. They change when parents die. It changes. They change when people get married, get divorced, have children, don't have children, work weird schedules, they travel, they create their own traditions, or simply decide that they're not doing Christmas the same way anymore. And suddenly the holiday you've been hosting in your head for 30 years is gone. Now, honestly, Craig and I have always had different holidays, mainly because we never lived near family. When we did, they became more family central. But Craig and I lived in Oregon. We lived in Texas. We lived in Europe. We lived in different places and many times had to create our own traditions. That being said, we don't have any trade, well, we had one tradition. When we lived in California and we lived there for 23 years, it gave us a tradition. We went to Wan Fu's every Christmas Eve after church. A Chinese restaurant. It was in our neighborhood, always open. We spent every Christmas Eve there. But other than that, because our holidays look different, sometimes with family, sometimes not, this, that. I never had a consistent Christmas. And I'm okay with that. Last year it was just Craig and I, and we went to my sister-in-law's. And I didn't have any of my kids with me. And, you know, and that's fine. But occasionally I want the darn kids to all be together. So working on that. But that being said, I thought it would be fun to do a holiday survival guide. So again, nobody warned me there would come a day when my children would stop automatically coming home for the holidays. And I don't blame them. I really don't. When they were little, you didn't ask them where they wanted to spend Christmas. They lived with you. It was convenient. I miss that level of control sometimes. You bought the tree, you picked the menu, you decided when presents were opened. They complained, of course, because children are basically tiny union representatives. But you were in charge. Then they grew up. And suddenly adulthood comes with voting rights. Suddenly your child says something like, We're thinking about spending Christmas in California this year. Or your friend's first intent to say, No, you're not, except for they're 31 years old. So technically they can. Rude. But I get it. And then there's geography. My family is not all tucked neatly within a 20-minute drive from one another. We are scattered. So the holidays are no longer just about tradition, they're about airfare, weather, work schedules, hotels, partners, pets. Who traveled last year? Who's exhausted? And yours may be very much the same. I don't know what yours looks like, but I guarantee it doesn't look like when they were little. And underneath all the logistics is something a little harder to talk about. We miss them. I think sometimes as parents of adult children, we try very hard to act cool about this. Oh, honey, do whatever works for you. And sometimes we mean it, but sometimes we actually what we actually mean is do whatever works for you as long as what works for you is coming to my house. It's not about control. There is a grief that comes with families changing. Not tragic grief. I'm not talking about the boo-hoo, oh my gosh, grief. I'm talking about just the grief, the sadness that things change. You can be happy. I am happy for my kids. They are both living their best life. Kyle's living in California doing what Kyle loves, working with special needs kids in high school. Alec is living in Colorado working with kids, doing what he loves, all outdoor stuff. The stockings don't all hang on the same fireplaces anymore. Everybody may not wake up under the same roof. And the traditions that used to happen automatically now require a group text. Three calendars and possibly a poll. That can feel sad. I don't want it to. But here's the part I'm learning. Different does not mean worse. It really doesn't. It just means that we have to stop recreating the old holiday and start creating the new one. And that's what my text was all about. Craig and I have, this is our fifth, this will be our fifth Christmas here in Chicago. We've had different kinds. Craig's mom was alive, she's gone. Sister hosting the holiday, sister wanting to change that. And that's fine. Another sister-in-law stepping in and having us last year. It's all fine. I don't have to have it a certain way, but I understand that some do, and I get that too. So as I go forward talking about this, I'm talking to you about what may work for you. I've already kind of figured out what's going to work for me. But stop recreating the old holiday and start creating

Ask First And Loosen The Date

SPEAKER_00 8:32

the next one. It may look differently. Survival strategy number one, ask before you plan. And that was the intent of my text. This one is painful for those of us who enjoy being in charge. Ask everyone what they actually want. And that was my text. If you heard, I didn't say, are you coming to Chicago? I asked what it looks like. It could look like in any number of the things that I said. That is basically what I was trying to do. Oh, yes, it contained emotional leverage. I'm not going to deny that. But the question was real. What do the holidays look like to you? I think that's such an important question once our kids are adults. Not here's what we always do. Not we need to be here by Wednesday. Not your Aunt Carol. No guilt, guilt, guilt. What does it look like to them? And I brought it up in September for strictly of financial reasons. Flights get more expensive and harder to get. We live in Chicago, a very busy Christmas airport. Everybody has commitments. Everybody has things. And I want to know what works for you. If it doesn't work exactly on Christmas, let's talk about when we can get together as a family. That's really what I'm asking. I don't want it to feel like jury duty. I don't want them to feel like it's, oh my God, mom. I don't want them to see that text every year and think, my thought is just when are we going to get together? When are we going to do this? Here's survival strategy number two. Stop worshiping the date. I just mentioned that. This may be the hell I am finally willing to come down from. And I am. The holiday does not have to happen on the holiday. It could be December 21st. It could be the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It could be the week before, the week after. I don't care. But I want you to learn to be flexible. The more flexible you can be, the more you're going to get what you want. Everything, dates have power. Take that power away. Because what is most important to you? You need to think about that. Is it most important to have Christmas on Christmas, or is it to be together with your kids or your grandkids? Think about it. What hill are you going to die on, and what hill are you going to let go? And as someone who has spent a lifetime thinking things are a certain way, I consider this tremendous growth for myself. You all may apply it quietly.

Build Traditions That Fit Now

SPEAKER_00 11:10

All right, number three, create a holiday that fits your family now. This one is my favorite. What if we stop asking, how do we preserve every tradition and how do we make new ones? I'll tell you, because Craig and I are alone a lot on Christmas Day, because we celebrate Christmas Eve and his family and mine. So Christmas Day, we've been alone. My tradition is we walk up Michigan Avenue. Michigan Avenue is stunning at Christmas time, but it is also crowded all the time except for Christmas Day. We usually go out about three or four. Now last year it was so warm there were a lot of people out, but it was enjoyable. It was delightful to walk up with all the magical lights and just the magic of Christmas. That's our new tradition. Craig and I created that and we love it. So start asking yourself, what sounds fun now? Maybe everybody meets in Chicago, Denver, or California. We don't know yet. Maybe you rent a house somewhere totally different. Maybe you go somewhere warm. Maybe you go to a show. Figure out what works for you. Tweak those traditions. Don't make your children regret or I guess regret's not the word. Hate when that text, oh God, the Christmas text is gonna come again. Instead, make them look forward to it. Well, wonder what we're gonna do this year, or or let them plan it all because they've got kids and fit into their holiday. Stop making everything fit you. Some of us are still producing holidays like they're running a small convention or they work for Hallmark, appetizers, dinners, desserts, centerpieces, matching napkins, candles, guest house. Why? Nobody has ever left a Christmas dinner saying, Well, it was lovely, but I'm extremely disappointed in the napkin situation. Simplify. Make it enjoyable. Strategy number four. Say what you want. This is where my text comes in. I wanted my kids to know I want to spend the holiday with you. I don't think there's anything wrong in saying that. We just have to be careful about what comes after it. There's a difference between I would really love for us to be together and if you loved me, you would be here. I didn't say that at all. What does it look like to you? How can we work it out? How can we make it work for everyone? That's very different. One is an invitation, the other requires therapy. I want to get better at simply telling the truth. I miss you. I want to see you. I would love to have Christmas together. Can we figure out something? And then I have to let them answer. That last part is annoying, but apparently necessary. Already got a text back from Kyle. Kyle says being in California is easier. Kyle has three cats, and it's hard to get care for the three cats. This is a choice Kyle made. This is something that Kyle knows makes it hard for Kyle to travel. But I'm happy to hear that. I'm also willing to help Kyle pay for cat care if that's necessary to make whatever happens. Because, not because I'm controlling, but because if helping Kyle out makes it easier for Kyle to be with us, then that's what I'm going to do. No manipulation there. Just a mom wanting to help.

Plan Early And Drop Perfection

SPEAKER_00 14:41

Another thing is strategy number five is plan early. Don't spring this on your kids. Now they're going to hate that you planned early. I mean, my kids, I'm sure, hated that they're thinking about the holidays in September. But they also hate it if you do it at the last minute. You can't win, but I still am going to go with the plan early. It gives chance for you to buy tickets that are cheaper, get theater tickets, concerts, figure out a place to go, start looking now. All right. That is a huge thing. Because you don't want to get into the everything is booked. Really? We had noticed, y'all know when the holidays are coming. And yes, you can say to your kids, I'm sorry for talking about it early. But in order for us to get to do what everybody wants to do, I want to make sure we have time. Because last year I loved my son. But I said, Are you coming for Thanksgiving? Are you coming for Thanksgiving? Nope, nope. We're going to go do this. All of a sudden, a week before Thanksgiving, nope, I've got, I'm free. $700 to get Alec here for three freaking days. And I loved every one of those freaking days. But you want to plan early. Number six, let go of perfect. Oh my God, you guys, let it go. Let it go. We watch commercials, we watch movies, we watch social media, all of it. Beautiful houses, the perfect snow. It doesn't exist. It doesn't. Real families are messies. Somebody will be late, somebody won't like dinner, somebody will be on their phone. There may be tension. You may be sitting there thinking I spent $1,200 getting everyone here for this. That is family. The goal is not perfection, it's connection. If there is laughter somewhere in the day, good food and a little affection, and nobody leaves in an ambulance, I call that a successful holiday. So what am I doing differently? Well, I pretty much told you. I just want us to get together, whether it is on Christmas or not. Like I said in my text, I only have so many years left on this planet. Now that wasn't to be Mormon. It was it was meant to be true. I'm aging and we look at things differently. We don't have endless summers, birthdays, holidays. It was a little bit of manipulation. My kids know it and they laugh. They manipulate me the same way. But I don't need things. I need my family. And I will do whatever it takes to make that work. Kyle and Alec need to be together. I get to be with each one of them separately, but it's a rare occasion when the four of us, and I don't want it to be the next funeral. I really don't. I want us to be together for something fun. I want to tell you, you're not alone if your holidays don't look the way they used to. You are absolutely not alone. All of these things change. Families get bigger, they get smaller, they have kids. Somebody passes away. Things change. There is no correct way to celebrate. The holidays can carry a lot of expectation. And expectation is where disappointment loves to live. So maybe the better question this year isn't what are we supposed to do? Maybe it's what would make this holiday feel good? Not perfect, good. That's much more manageable. Again, a small amount of guilt goes a long way. Don't guilt them. Nobody loves to be guilted. Did you love your parents to guilt you? Hell no. Don't do it. You can miss them. You can want to be with them. Let them know once. Don't beat them over the head with it. I can still make a wonderful holiday, even if plan A doesn't happen. That's freedom.

The Survival Challenge And Listening

SPEAKER_00 18:30

All right, your survival challenge of the week is before the week is over, contact the people you hope to spend the holidays with. Don't do not announce a plan. Ask a question. Try something like what would make the holidays fun for you this year? Or is there a way we can get together sometime for the holidays? Where do you want to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas? Then just listen. You might be surprised what you get back. They may all have been planning to come to your house. Maybe not. Maybe they have other plans. That one always hurts. But then ask about how we could fit something in. But wait and listen. That's important. That's your assignment. Wait and listen. I think what I'm realizing is that the holidays are another place where aging asks us to adapt. Just when you think you've learned a lot and thought a lot, we adapt a lot. Life changes. Our children become adults. Families shift. People move. New people join us. Other people are missing. And we get a choice. We can spend our energy trying to force the old picture back into place. Or we can make a new picture. Now I'm a person that likes change, so that new picture sounds pretty good to me. Maybe it isn't Christmas morning in the same house. Maybe it's three days in Denver. Maybe we all meet in California. Or maybe the kids actually come to Chicago. Maybe it's not even December. I'm becoming much less interested in where everybody sits than the day it happens. And I'm much more interested in making sure we sit together once in a while. And I think with my kids, that's going to be the discussion. Once a year we need to get together as a family. And it doesn't have to be in the holidays. Summer's a great time. It's the best time to come to Chicago. So there you are,

Closing Thoughts On Adapting

SPEAKER_00 20:21

my people. We managed to get here. And for today, that's enough. I want to thank you for spending a little time with me on Aging 8 for Sissy's. Remember, growing older does not mean we stop changing. It doesn't. We got a lot of adjusting to do. It just means we hopefully get smarter about what is worth holding on to and what we can finally let go of. And apparently I'm letting go of Christmas having to happen on Christmas. Look at me. Growth. I'll see you next time. And children of mine, if you're listening, Alec, I'm still waiting for an answer. Love you both. See you next week on Aging Anchor Sissy.