The Aging Survival Guide Finale And A Better Way Forward

If you have ever caught yourself thinking, “I just want things to go back to normal,” this one is for you. I’m closing out the Aging Survival Guide with the truth I did not fully see when I started: we were never only talking about retirement, downsizing, marriage, friendships, travel, and the holidays. We were talking about change, and how to live with it without spending the rest of our lives looking backward.

I share how my own life has shifted, from letting go of a big house and most of my stuff to learning how to accept the reality of a long marriage while still building a richer day-to-day life. We talk about the kind of change that sets you free and the kind that shows up uninvited, including health changes that reset your priorities fast. Along the way, I give you simple, practical aging mindset strategies: stop waiting for “normal,” give yourself permission to change your mind, don’t confuse familiar with good, and keep something new in your life so your world doesn’t shrink.

We end with a concrete challenge you can do today, a two-list exercise that helps you choose less of what drains you and more of what makes you feel alive. If this brought you a little clarity, subscribe, share it with a friend who’s in the middle of change, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What are you ready to leave behind?

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Welcome And Survival Guide Finale

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hello, my name is Marcy, and welcome to Aging A for Sissy's. I am your host. I mixed up that intro, didn't I? Anyways, good morning, everyone. Um, it is morning. I normally do my podcasts in the afternoon, but I got invited to go to my sister-in-law's and swim this afternoon. So changed my plans, getting my podcast done bright and early this morning, so that they will be up for you tomorrow on Friday, as always. Oh, well, hello, my friends, and welcome to Aging Aim for Sissies. I am Marcy, and today we have reached the end of our aging survival guide. Yep, we made it. I started the summer telling you I was going to put together an aging survival guide. Each episode is part of that. I'm going to put it together. It'll be available at Marcybackismedia.com for download probably next week. But we did it. And I have to tell you, when I started this little summer survival guide, I thought we were going to talk about some of the things that happened as we get older: retirement, technology, downsizing, friendships, travel, marriage, family, and the holidays, all those things nobody really gives you instructions for. But somewhere along the way, I realized we were actually talking about something really bigger, change. Because that's really what aging is. It's changing. Your body changes, your relationships change, your family changes, your house changes, your friendships change, your priorities change. And some of the times the biggest surprise of all is you change. And nobody hands you a manual for that. So today for our final survival guide, we're talking about how to live with the change without spending the rest of our lives wishing everything would stay the same. Or even worse, be back to the way it was when we were young. Because apparently it's not going to. Rude, I know.

A Family Holiday On Purpose

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Ah, well, let me just do a little quick recap of my week. All of the guilting my kids worked, actually. And it's funny. Craig and I are planning a trip to California in early November. He's going to a football game with a bunch of friends. We're staying at our friend's beach house. Blah, blah, blah. We'll come to find out, my son Alec is planning to be in LA a greater part of November, and Kyle lives in LA. So I put it out there a couple days ago. Hey, I gave an actual day and I said, can we all make this work as a family day? And guess what? We can. So while we're there on a trip, Alec's there on a trip, and Kyle is living Kyle's life there. We're going to all have a day. We're going to go to either one of the two new museums in Los Angeles, the Motion Picture Museum or the George Lucas Museum. And then we're going to go out for a wonderful dinner. And I'm going to call that our holiday. It's a holiday together. Is it Christmas? No. Is it Thanksgiving? No. But are we together as our little nucleus of four? Yes, we are. And that's what I wanted. Of course, significant others are always welcome. I never would say no, but it looks like it's going to be just the four of us. And you know what? That's enough. And that's enough for me. As we talked about last week in the podcast, holidays change. That's enough to get me through the holidays. Now, Alec did mention that he's going to come to Chicago in October. Great. Happy to have him. Kids are always welcome here. But the four of us being together is something on that day. I'm not talking about it before then, but when we're together, I'm going to tell them my requirement moving forward, and it is a requirement, is that this family gets together once a year. I don't care where it is, but it's everyone. Significant others, all of us together. One day a year. If it can be more than that, great. But that's my requirement. So that's a little follow-up to last week's story. All right.

Change Can Set You Free

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Back on to this one change. I keep thinking how different my life looks today compared to even five or 10 years ago. Four years ago, I went from living in about a 4,000 square foot house to about 800. I got rid of probably 90% of my worldly possessions. And if you had told younger Marcy that someday she would voluntarily get rid of almost everything she accumulated in life and live in 800 square feet, I don't know that she would have believed you. But here's the crazy part. I've never been happier with less. And that's what change does sometimes. The thing you think you're going to hate becomes the thing that sets you free. I'm going to say that again. The thing you think you're going to hate becomes the thing that sets you free. So if I can tell you that, hooray. If you're learning something from me, I don't know if it happens for everyone, but those I've talked to, getting rid of stuff made them happier, not sadder. Other changes aren't nearly that easy. Some changes are heartbreaking, some are scary. Some happen because we choose them. Some happen because someone else chooses them for us. That's an important one. We're talking about change today. So everything I'm talking about is about change. Some change happens because somebody else chooses it for us.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

Sit with that. Can you see that in your life? I see it in mine.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

And I have to be okay with that, and I am. And some just show up at the door and say, Hi, I'm your new reality. Well, crap. But maybe that's the first lesson from the entire survival guide. Our lives aren't finished changing just because we're older. I think they change more, actually. And thank God for that. Because if nothing can change, nothing can get better either. Here's another one I'm going to repeat. If nothing can change, nothing can get better either. Nobody warned me that getting older would involve so much letting go. Not necessarily letting go of people, although sometimes it's that too. I'm talking about letting go of ideas. The idea of what retirement was supposed to look like. The idea of what marriage was supposed to look like. The idea of what our grown children were supposed to do. The idea of what our friendships were supposed to be. The idea of what our bodies were supposed to keep doing forever. The idea that the holidays have to look like they did in 1997. We carry around these invisible pictures of how life is supposed to be. And then guess what? Reality has the nerve to ignore that picture entirely. I think one of the hardest things about aging is learning to stop asking, why isn't my life the way I thought it would be? And start asking, okay, this is my life. What do I want to do with it now? Those are two completely different questions. One keeps you looking backwards, the other keeps you looking forwards. So interestingly enough, there's two things happening in my life. I am finally learning to deal with the reality of my marriage and the reality of Craig and who he is, and he's not going to change. That man is not going to change. Change is not in his vernacular. Although that's not totally true. He has changed a lot. So see here again, I learn. He's changed a lot, but just not in the things that would make my life easier. But he has changed a lot, just like all of us. I can say this. My marriage is what it is, and I'm learning to accept that. Our life here in Chicago is better than our life has ever been. So two things can be true. Last night there is something that happens, it's called music on the water. And one of our um architectural boats, that there are many for the boat tours on the river, fills up with an orchestra, orchestra, and a choir, and they play going down the river. So last night, Craig and I got home from our Wednesday night church, um, sat around for a little bit, talked, and then we just walked down our street. Right down our street, Wabash goes right to the river. Four blocks up, no, maybe three, three blocks up, stood on the bridge and watched them come, watched them go by. We didn't feel the need to walk down and listen to the whole choir and excuse me, orchestra concert. We just enjoyed what we saw. Now, if we were living back in the suburbs, we'd be sitting on a couch, or I'd be one room, he'd be in another. Our life here is so much richer. Is it perfect? No. Is my marriage exactly where I want it to be? No. I'll give you nothing but honesty here. That is my goal. But am I happier? Yes. Two things can be true. All right.

Stop Waiting For Normal

SPEAKER_00 10:01

We're gonna give you start with strategy tip number one. Stop waiting for things to go back to normal. This may be my biggest lesson. Sometimes there is no going back. And maybe we don't want to. We've talked this summer about retirement. There's no Monday morning commute anymore. We've talked about downsizing. Maybe the giant family house isn't the center of everything anymore. We've talked about friendships. Some people stay, some drift away. Same with family members. And occasionally, someone you never expected becomes incredibly important. Oh, how isn't that true? We've talked about marriage. Good lord, we've talked about marriage. I'm sorry, I probably talked about marriage more than I should, and I'll probably let it go for a while. Marriage changes when you're together more. It changes when work disappears. It changes when health changes. It changes because we change. So instead of trying to recreate the life you had at 45, what would happen if we got curious about the life we could have at 65, 70, or 80? I think that's much more interesting. How about you? Okay, so that was strategy tip number one.

Rewriting What Matters Now

SPEAKER_00 11:22

Getting curious. Survival strategy number two. You are allowed to change your mind. Oh, I love this one. You are allowed to change your mind because I did. Everybody, I get so sick of people going, You hated Chicago. It was too cold. Well, yeah, I hated Chicago when I came here with little kids that were freezing all the time. I hated Chicago coming in the winter all the time because guess what? What I learned is we had California winter coats. There's a difference between a Chicago winter coat and a California one. So we came unprepared. So we're allowed to change our mind. You are allowed to change your mind about what you want, about where you live, about how you spend your time, about who gets access to your time. And most of all, what are you willing to tolerate? I'm also able to change what makes me happy. There are things I thought mattered enormously when I was young that I simply do not care about anymore. I don't care about what I live in and what I drive. And that drove a lot of my life before. And things are things. There are things I barely noticed when I was younger that mean everything to me now. A good conversation, a beautiful morning, time with my kids, friends who really know me, travel, my podcasts. I love these. Whether people listen or not, guess what? This works for me. I'm grateful y'all listen. Don't get me wrong. A day where I can do exactly what I want. I did that the other day. I did not have a great day on Monday. It was a really crappy day. And you know what I did when I got home from the gym? Craig and I had some plans for Labor Day, and he said, Are we gonna? And I said, Nope, I'm crawling into bed. I'm done. I pulled down my new shades in my room, made it dark, stayed in there all day. He stayed clear of me. He was smart. I watched murders all day. Probably not the best thing to feed the mind. I got up Tuesday, made the decision to have a better day, and I did. And it's been a great week ever since. I love a day where I do exactly what I want. I hope you do too. And yes, a really crisp diet coke always makes my days better. You're allowed to rewrite the list. You are definitely allowed to rewrite the list. You are allowed to change your mind whenever you want to. Here's a strategy tip number three. Don't confuse familiar with good. Ooh, that's a big one. Just because something familiar doesn't make it good. Because remember, familiar feels safe. Even when familiar isn't making us happy, we stay in routines because we've always done them. We keep traditions because we've always had them. We maintain relationships in exactly the same way because that's how it's always worked. And sometimes we need to ask, is this actually good for me? Or is it simply familiar? That doesn't mean blowing up your life every Tuesday. Please don't email me and say, Marcy told me to sell my house and move to Portugal. I did not. Although Portugal is a really lovely place to live, what I'm saying is we should occasionally examine our lives. Do I still enjoy doing this? Do I still want this? Does this relationship still feel reciprocal? Does the tradition still bring joy? Am I doing this because I want to? Or am I simply doing it because I've done it forever? Or because am I doing something because Marcy from 20 years ago decided this is what we do? Because guess what? Today's Marcy gets a vote, and so do you. Look at your life. Make the changes necessary. Strategy number four, keep something new in your life. I think this one matters enormously. Learning something, going somewhere, meeting someone, trying something, starting something. You don't have to climb Everest. I am trying to learn Spanish. I am struggling greatly because I can't remember anything. Uh chemotherapy did not help my brain. I can tell you that much. I'm working on it. It's going okay, but I'm still doing it. Keep something new in your life. I also started doing Sudoku puzzles. I'm obsessed. You don't have to climb Mount Everest again. Please don't. I don't need that kind of responsibility. It can be tiny. Try a restaurant you've never tried before. Take a class, learn a few words in another language, go to a play, listen to different music, take the trip, start the podcast you've been thinking of. Have you been listening to me and thinking I can do that better than her? Then do it. Or have you been listening to me and thinking that looks like fun and challenging? Because it is. It makes me work every week. Three times, three podcasts now. Unbottled, my sobriety podcast. This one, Aging A for Sissies, talking to us about getting old. And my third one, Inside Marcy's Mind, which is the one where I can be the most creative because I can talk about anything. So start your own podcast. Walk into the room where you don't know anybody. I think curiosity keeps us young in a way Botox never will. Although I'm not certainly not criticizing Botox. As a matter of fact, I need some and I haven't had it since I got cancer. Maybe I don't need it. Maybe I need to live with this face the way it is. Everybody gets to choose their own survival strategy, but curiosity keeps the world from shrinking. And I don't want my world to shrink. I don't know about you. I want it to keep getting bigger. And with that said, my next trip coming up is to Paris in the south of France. Extremely excited. I get more nervous when I travel now. I didn't when I was young. I noticed that that's something that's happening to me. I used to have total confidence in myself when I went somewhere. But do I stop that? Nope, I keep going. So what am I doing differently?

Health Shifts And Time Awareness

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Oh, I've shared a little bit. All right, this whole series has made me think about what am I doing differently? I'm trying to spend less time managing everyone else's life. And that, and if you're out there and I've been managing your life, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to do it less. And I'm trying to spend more time, less time managing everyone else's life and more time actually living mine. It sounds obvious, it's not. Especially when you're a mom, you're married, and you're someone who likes to fix things. Oh my God, I'm a fixer. I have learned that in the last five years, what a fixer I am. We see a problem and think, well, obviously, I should handle that. Maybe not. Maybe sometimes the healthiest sentence in the English language is that's not mine to fix. You've heard the saying, not my circus, not my monkeys. I'm trying to pay more attention to what makes my life feel full. And that's my kids, my friends, travel, work. I love my podcasts. My health is important, and I need to stay abreast of that, and I am. And shockingly, having a husband who has always been the picture of health, having a stroke, hmm, that is a life-changing event. And I don't think I realized how much it changed my life.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Having him get sick. Things change. Things we want to and things we don't have control over.

SPEAKER_00 19:47

I think about things that make me laugh. I want to be curious. I still want to experience things. It's not being selfish, it's called living. I don't know how many years I have left, and I know my older friends all laugh at that, but people with ailer, stan los, vascular type 4, which is what I have, it's a genetic disorder. The average lifespan is 50 years old. I'm 65. So I look at life a little different than others. I don't really know. Just like all of us, we don't know how much time we have. But having that statistic living over me makes me feel that I've already outlived mine. So I need to stay focused. Hopefully, we all have got a lot more time left. But I'm increasingly aware that I don't want to spend that time waiting for someone else to change before I allow myself to be happy. If you're listening today and you're somewhere in the middle of change, you didn't ask for, you're not alone. Maybe retirement doesn't feel the way you expected. Maybe your marriage has changed. Maybe your children don't need you in the same way anymore. But I'll tell you a secret, they still need you. Maybe you've lost friendships, maybe you've lost family members, maybe your body isn't cooperating. Maybe you have chronic pain. Maybe you're wondering, who am I now? I think a lot of us are asking that. And maybe the answer isn't something we discover once. Maybe we keep answering it. Who am I now? What do I want to be next? You can ask that at any age. What matters to me now? What am I finished carrying? Ask yourself, if you don't ask any other question, ask that one. What am I finished carrying? What do I want to take with me? That's aging, not disappearing. Becoming something.

Two Lists For Your Next Chapter

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Here's my final survival challenge for you. So we're going to take the end of the series with one final challenge. And I want you to actually do this. Take out a piece of paper. Yes, actual paper. We're old school today. And I want you to write. Down two headings with one side saying, What am I ready to leave behind? And the other saying, What do I want more of? Don't overthink it. Maybe you're leaving behind guilt, obligation, clutter, people pleasing, trying to make everybody happy, old expectations, relationships that drain you, saving everything for someday. And on the other side, what do I want more of? Let's talk. Travel, friends, peace, adventure, laughter, family, creativity, quiet, love, fun. Whatever it is, write it down. Because maybe that's our real aging survival guide. Maybe all this stuff I've talked about for 12 weeks doesn't matter. It's not a list of rules, a compass. Less of what drains me and more than what feeds me. Less of what drains me and more of what makes me feel alive. All right, everybody. Our aging survival guide is officially complete finito. And after an entire summer of talking about how to survive getting older, I think I've changed my mind. I don't want to survive aging. I want to live it. I want the trips, the conversation, laugh with my friends, with my kids, keep creating. I am a creative. I think I forgot that. Keep changing my mind. You bet. Trying things that scare me a little, you bet. I've been doing that. I've gone across a suspension bridge. I didn't think I could do. I can't remember what else, but there's a few other things I've done. I've driven cross-country back and forth by myself. Stop carrying things that don't belong to me anymore. I want to stop saying saving the good stuff for later. Because this isn't a waiting room. FYI, this is your life right now. Maybe aging really ain't for sissies, but I don't think it's supposed to be. It takes guts to change. It takes guts to let go. It takes guts to start again. And sometimes it takes guts to say, This is what I want my life to look

Live Aging With Guts

SPEAKER_00 24:13

like now. I want to thank you as always for spending this summer with me and our aging survival guide. That whole Craig thing got me choked up. So if I sound a little choked up, I am. I hope somewhere along the way you laughed. I hope something made you think. And most of all, I hope you remember that there is still so much life ahead. The survival guide may be finished, but we sure aren't. I'm Marcy. This is Aging Aim for Sissies. I'll see you next time. And on next time, next week's episode, we are going to talk about strokes. I'm not a medical professional. I'm going to tell you what I've learned, tell you what I know, give you a little heads up on what they can look like, things like that. But again, I'm not a medical professional. I'm not taking that responsibility, but I'm going to do some more research and give you a little update on that. So until then, go live your life.