Aging ain't for Sissies

Owning Your Space: A Candid Guide To Solo Aging

• Marcy Backhus • Season 2 • Episode 19

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A blizzard, a burst of seventy degrees, and a brush with the northern lights set the perfect backdrop for a truth we don’t hear enough: solo doesn’t have to mean sad. I’m unpacking what aging solo actually looks like—across divorce, widowhood, never marrying, and reinvention—and why autonomy can be a superpower when you pair it with planning, community, and a little mischief.

We dig into the five most common solo scenarios and the real challenges underneath them: financial resets after a split, the grind of rebuilding social ties, health scares that demand fast decisions, and the risk of isolation when routines shrink. Alongside the hard parts, I highlight bright spots from lived stories—people who center their own needs, design a “friend family,” and keep purpose alive through travel, volunteering, music, and nature. If you’ve ever wondered how to start, I share a straightforward solo aging playbook: audit your budget and emergency fund, set up visible healthcare documents, choose two go-to advocates, and create a distributed support network so help isn’t resting on one person’s shoulders.

From water aerobics that doubles as a lifeline to weekly buddy check-ins that keep the blues at bay, this conversation is about action you can take today. You’ll leave with three simple assignments—invite one friend to coffee, update one money or health document, and schedule one small solo adventure—that shift you from “getting by” to “living on your terms.” Solo can be center stage: clear, confident, and full of moments that make you grin when you walk back through your door.

If this resonated, hit follow, share it with someone who could use a nudge, and leave a quick review—it helps more solo agers find a plan that fits.

SPEAKER_00:

Hello and welcome to AgNA for Sissies. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Oh my gosh, what an insane weekend here in Chicago or week. I'm I'm obviously dropping this a couple days late. This is coming out on Monday, the 17th of November. Why? Because nobody pays me to do this and I can drop them whenever I want. No, but really life got a little um out of hand for me, and I just wasn't able to get to it on Friday like I normally do. But let me just tell you about this crazy week in Chicago last week. So Monday, mini blizzard, like snow that actually stuck in the city, which doesn't usually happen, especially when we had some warm days before it. Anyways, great snowstorm on Monday, a little bit on Tuesday. Um, Wednesday and Thursday, we could see the northern lights. Craig and I drove out to behind the planetarium to a dark area, and we were able to see them. Um, not as good as the night before. The night before they were very bright. Seems like I'm always a day late and a dollar short, but I honestly didn't think there was any way to see them that night because it had been so cloudy. So, nonetheless, we did get to see a variation of them, a very light one, but very exciting. One of my bucket list items. So check, check. Let's see. And then Friday and Saturday were 70 degrees. So wherever you are, if you want to talk about whiplash weather, go from a blizzard to 70 degrees. Throw in some northern lights, and you've got yourself a week here in Chicago. I have a lovely little pumpkin mug. I'm drinking some hot chocolate. Excuse me. Hmm. I don't know about you, but sometimes I'm I'm doing this in the afternoon. I normally do it in the morning, but I had a very early doctor's appointment. Blah, blah, blah. Enough about me. But I do love a hot chocolate in the afternoon. Kind of satisfies that sweet craving. I get the Dunkin' Donuts hot chocolate that goes in my Keurig. Recommend it highly. It's delicious. It's just delicious. And I'm drinking it out of my pumpkin mug because I'm savoring the last bit of fall here before Thanksgiving hits in a couple weeks. My son Alec is coming. Kyle cannot. Kyle started a second job, a new job for the school district of Torrance. So Kyle just wanted to make sure when I bought the tickets, the government was on strike. And we weren't sure if Kyle would get back in time, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure you all have had these issues. Alec is coming. Been invited to my lovely friend Mary Allen's home for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm excited. Craig is running in the turkey trot in the morning. Gotta love that 70-year-old out there hustling. That guy's got some hustle. But he did have some nerve, really big nerve on Sunday. So Friday night I got really sick. Stomach. Sick Saturday, Sunday. But Friday I had gone to a place with the best cinnamon and Sathers, the best cinnamon rolls in Chicago. Had gone there for breakfast on Friday and grabbed a couple extra cinnamon rolls and two pecan rolls for Craig. So he munched his big old pecan rolls up on Saturday. And on Sunday, he had the nerve to ask me if he could have one of my cinnamon rolls. Hell no. Step away from the bag, sir. I don't want them to go to waste. They're not going to be wasted if I have to throw them in the freezer. I still haven't eaten them yet. I still can't eat. But um, nonetheless, yeah, some nerve, huh? What does he think he is? I don't know, but I'm gonna welcome you back to Aging 8 for Sissies. This is a place where we embrace our wrinkles, celebrate our gray hairs, and absolutely refused to retire our sass. And I am your host, Marcy. I'm 64. I stand 5'11 and I weigh none of your business. Better than I've weighed most of my life, I will tell you that much. Um, still rocking the boho meets conservative wardrobe. I am as scattered on my wardrobe as I am in my life, loving my favorite colors: black, white, pink, blue, and green, and refusing to let aging lose my mojo. And today, um, today's topic we're diving into it always doesn't get the glamour treatment. Aging solo. We're talking living alone by choice or by circumstance, and how to do it with style, resilience, and a little humor. And yes, still plenty of friends, purpose, and maybe even adventure, because solo doesn't have to mean sad. If anything, solo aging means owning your space, literally and metaphorically. And yes, I'll dig into my own aging moments. They may not be solo, but sometimes living with Craig is like being solo. Let's get started. All right. Solo doesn't mean rare, it means relevant. I have several friends that are solo and live very exciting lives. A little bit with their children, but mostly on their own. They do cover five profiles of people, aging alone. There's the divorced, the widowed, the never married, natural loners, and those basically reinventing life after a big change. And I'm gonna tell you, if you don't fall into any of those categories, you're still gonna learn some things here today. Now I know what you're thinking, Marcy, fabulous as usual, but living alone sounds lonely, scary, and expensive. And I'm gonna tell you there are bumps. The article shows solo agers dealing with stuff like reset of finances after divorce. Hello, new budget. And I'm gonna tell you when there's a new budget, when there's two of you, when you both completely retire. So that's nothing that people that aren't solo deal with. Grief after a spouse dies, having to build new social networks when you haven't needed them before. But in this key, there's also resilience. They're adapting. They're saying, okay, universe, you gave me this solo chapter, I'll make it work with friends, with travel, with music, with purpose. And that, my friends, is a good foundation for our conversation today. How to make solo aging work. Now, when we were on our trip to Ireland a couple weeks ago on a tour, there were a couple of solo people touring. I loved it. I thought, if I ever am solo, which dear God, that's never gonna happen. Craig's gonna outlive me by 20 years, I tell you. And that's fine. But if it was, I would like to be that person that goes on a tour by myself. Let's flip the script and talk about the wins from the article, because solo doesn't have to be a pity party. Actually, far from it. One profile, Claire Davis, age 59, Los Angeles. She said solo aging gives you the autonomy to center your own needs. Yes, ma'am, that means I pick the travel, I pick the volunteer gig, I pick the color of my curtains, and maybe change them mid-year for fun. Yeah, you know, it's funny because I think for years, my best friend Lynn lost her husband when she was in her 30s. And she's had a few relationships, but never remarried. I've been married now twice, 34 years this time, only like a year and a half the first time. I know that might shock some of you that know me. Anyways, um, we always joke that she reminds me why I don't want to be single, and I remind her why she doesn't want to be married. So I think there's always pluses and minuses to everything. So I think having to do all your own choosing is a pretty nice thing. Changing your bed spread in the middle of the year and not having to explain to anybody why. Let's also talk about what they did right in building a network. She realized that if she had no spouse, no children, no siblings to rely on in the usual way, she would need to build a kind of family of friends. So if you are out there and you art fit this, see the old model as spouse and kids built-in equal support. But solo aging says maybe I build support my way, community, friends, neighbors, purpose. Resilience and reinvention. Another profile, Vicky, age 83 in Wyoming, she lost her high school sweetheart husband of 54 years. That's tough, you guys. Dealt with cancer and said her generation, we've seen everything, that's what makes us strong as we are. No pity. She's still showing up, she's still living. Now, having gone through cancer myself, and a lot of, I have a lot of health challenges. Uh too numerous at this point to mention, but I try to stay positive. I really do. Um, I don't know why. I guess that's just me. I just want to keep moving. And I think there's a lot to be said for that resilience. But I will tell you this Saturday, as I was laying in bed feeling awful again, um, I did have my own little pity party, but then I stopped that. So sometimes you have to. Preparation and knowing who you are. Leon, an 84-year-old in San Diego, never married, never lived alone, had a stroke, is in a wheelchair. So he had to build systems, accept help, but also maintain connection. When my doors open, people know they can come in and talk. That's a lot. That to be alone and then have health issues, sorry, needed a little bit of hot chocolate. That's a lot. Go on, go, Leon. That's awesome. So, yes, we're talking being the boss of your own life, making decisions, building your version of a family, which sometimes can be better than the one you were given. And some of us have partially the one we were given and partially ones we filled in, and that's okay too. And yes, dealing with the financial resets, the health resets, and the social resets. And also some fun resets, don't forget those. But there's a lot. Okay, time for your what-to-do list because you're not just listening, you're doing. Aging A for Sissies means you step up. Here's your solo aging playbook. Financial check-in. If you've become solo by divorce or widowhood, revisit your budget, your retirement plan, your emergency fund. The article's profile shows folks who had to reset finances when the partner has gone. And that only makes sense. But I have to tell you, I had to take a quick break because Craig came in. Sometimes I just wonder. Now, y'all know I have had a lifetime of medical problems. I've had more medical appointments. I've had to make more, even just in the last two weeks since I got home from Ireland, I've been to seven or eight different doctors and an emergency room visit. That man had the nerve to walk in here and tell me, I've been spending my whole day making doctor's appointments that my doctor needs me to make. I was like, oh my God, you're whining to the wrong person, Buster. Move along, sweetheart. Oh, just what the the admitigated gall of complaining to me. I just looked at him and laughed. I really did. I said, I don't care. Anyways, we're back to we're talking about. Sorry, that's probably not dubbed very well, but I started talking and then I made no sense to myself. We're talking about that financial check-in. So make sure you have your emergency fun. Many times people have to reset their finances, whether you're solo or not. Life throws us curveballs, life throws us changes. But make sure you have your financial house in order. If you never had a partner, start early on building your safety net. Don't assume someone's going to take care of you, even if you assume that they may not. We need to put together a network of intentional friends. Think of it as a friend family, neighbors, church group, volunteer buddies, book club pals, travel buddies. The article that I was looking at shows how people consciously build these networks. Work on that. Think about where your network is. Think about who your safety net is. You know, I have several friends who have no children. And uh that means you have a very special, you may be a couple, but you may have a very special need of getting your affairs in order after you're gone if there's no one to take care of it. So think about that. Think about all the things in your life that you may need to take care of. Embrace purpose and activity. If you're if you're a loner and your agent, play music, volunteer, travel, learn new things. Vicky Ivy got out with friends for road trips and nature. If you love traveling, explore new cities, the beach, home, water aerobics, continue doing that. Make your solo time rich, not lonely. I'll tell you what, you guys all know that my water aerobics saved my ass. Sorry for the bad word, but it did. Not just the act exercise and keeping me fit, but also the friends. They're invaluable to me. I was trying to think of what else I was gonna add in there, but you know, just get out. Don't be inside all the time. Prepare for health and caregiving roles. Okay, so this is really important. Solo aging means you might not have somebody ready, made to step in if you get sick. And sometimes even if you do, they're not that great. So set and then this is no shade to Craig, although it is shade. Um, I don't trust him to take care of me when I get old. He's not good at it now. When I've been very ill this year, when I've been in and out of hospitals, I was in trauma emergency, and 10 o'clock when it came around, he said, I gotta go home. And he left me in trauma emergency. My heart rate dropped and my blood pressure dropped so low, I almost died. And then I called him and he didn't answer. So yeah, I don't trust him so much. So even if you have someone, you may need to think about health and caregiving roles. After a stroke, you may have to rely on social service agencies. These things are hard to set up by yourself. Maybe in that group of people, you find a point person that will help you with health concerns and health emergencies. If you don't have children, and even if you do have children, my children don't live around here. Pick two go-to people. That's a good idea. I like that. Pick two go to people who know your health wishes. Leave your health paperwork visible. Yes, I said visible because we sometimes forget. If you have a DNR, if you have anything that's important, leave it on the fridge. Also, your iPhone has a medical emergency place. Put everything in there because they can they can access that. Anybody can ask access that. Oh, mental and social health. Living alone doesn't mean being lonely, but you have to pay attention. Check in. Schedule buddy check-ins with your pals, join groups, make a solo social, make dates. Uh, my friend Reba is going to lunch. She Reba is eating a meal out at least once a day with friends. I admire her so much for that. She's always got things going on. And I love Reba because Reba tells me what's going on here in the city of Chicago. And Craig and I have done many things. We did Beatles in the Park because of Reba. We watched Wicked in the Park because of Reba. Um, many things, many restaurants because of Reba. She's amazing, and I just love it. I don't want you to feel stuck or isolated. Address that head-on. Find things to do that you love. If it's gardening, if it's making stained glass. You know what? Get out and do something. Oh, okay. Time for a little Marcy realness. I do like a lot of alone time, but I have a husband, so I'm not really alone. But I have done a very good job of building my network. I don't want my kids to have to rescue us. I don't want to count on Craig because honestly, God bless the man, but that's not his forte. He can build a beautiful cathedral, he can build a great resort, but taking care of me is not his top priority. And as he gets older, I'm afraid that it's going to be worse. And that's scary. So I've been starting to think about what I need, what we can afford. I've never been able to get long-term health insurance due to all of my health issues. So got some thoughts there. Working on it, maybe a reverse mortgage for you. Maybe, you know, there's all kinds of financial things, and you don't need to do that on your own. There's free financial help for senior citizens. Look into it, find out about it, and know what you have available. Resilience and reinvent reinvention. Vicky, age 83. Oh, I already talked about her. Sorry. All right. So let's not sugarcoat. Solo aging has real challenges. Loss of spouse or long-term care equal grief and rebuilding a life. Financial strain when you have to split up assets after a divorce is going to challenge you. Health vulnerability, which I have when you're solo, I could only imagine. I do have the help. Craig is here. He he he he takes pictures when I fall on my head in the street, like the paparazzi. But I needed those pictures for insurance claim. But none nonetheless, the risk of isolation and being solo doesn't automatically mean connected. You still have to be intentional. So yes, the universe may toss you the solo card, but you get to decide how you play the solo hand. You know, I'm going to tell you look at some of your friends that aren't solo. Some of your friends that are married. I would say when Craig and I lived in California, I was more solo. Here we're very connected, almost too connected sometimes, but it's a good thing. It's not a bad thing. So look at some of your friends that don't have some of the greatest marriages, or maybe their husband is checked out. That may be the perfect partner for you. You get to decide how you play the solo hand. Do you huddle under the covers or do you march out with your glitter sneakers and your own soundtrack? Okay, let's make it actionable for this week. Here are three little tasks. Pick one friend you'll invite over or meet for coffee this week. Starting your friend family group. Check one financial or health document item. So look at your health documents or look at your financials. And I challenge you to schedule one solo adventure. Maybe a city walk, a beach walk, out to coffee down at the beach. If you live near the beach but not go to it all the time, find something that is unique in your area and do it. If you do these, you're already aging like you mean it. Like you refuse to let solo mean margin note. You turn solo into center stage. I want to thank you for spending time with me today on Aging Meat for Sissies. You are not alone, you are bold, you are vibrant, you are choosing this chapter. And more importantly, you are thriving in it. I'll catch you next time with more sass, more stories, and yeah, maybe talking pizza because we know pizza is life. Until then, love yourself, protect your space, dance in your living room, pick a color for your curtains that makes you grin every time you walk in, just because. You've been listening to Aging Eight for Sissies with Marcy. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. If you like today's episode, please leave a review and share it with a friend who's solo aging or needs to start thinking about how to do it their way. I'm Marcy. Thanks for being unapologetically you. See you next time and go out and do something positive.

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Marcy Backhus

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