Aging ain't for Sissies

You Don’t Need It All Figured Out Anymore

• Marcy Backhus • Season 2 • Episode 22

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What if getting older made life simpler, not smaller? That’s the thread we follow as we move from Chicago’s weather whiplash to the quiet freedoms that come with age: flexible plans, honest rest, and the courage to let the map change without calling it failure. We talk candidly about health—finding a cancer lump in a dream, doing workouts through chemo, managing a rare connective tissue disorder—and how reframing the body from enemy to expert messenger shifts everything. It’s not sugarcoating; it’s choosing a lens that helps you heal and live.

We also open the door on home and money decisions that don’t fit the old script. A tiny high-rise condo we bought in 2001 as an investment is now the heartbeat of our days. Property taxes surprise us more than California ever did. A job ends, another one appears, and an unexpected “dream job” takes root at the cathedral. That pattern shows up again and again: most things work out, just not on our timeline. The proof is in the moves we didn’t plan—Texas, Denmark, Oregon, back to California, then Chicago—and the friendships and routines that bloomed in each place.

Underneath it all is a softer stance toward time. Rest is no longer a reward you earn with exhaustion; it’s a need you honor before life hollows you out. Worry gets called by its true name: a thief of the present for a future that hasn’t happened. And resilience? It grows quietly, in the daily showing up, in the nap you actually take, in the way you tell your younger self, you’re doing better than you think. If you’re craving clarity, warmth, and a few hard-won laughs about aging, health, and home, you’re in the right place.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the reminder, and leave a quick review—what’s one belief about aging you’re ready to rewrite?

SPEAKER_00:

Hello, and welcome to Aging Ape for Sissies. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Oh my goodness, welcome back to Aging Ape for Sissies. I have weather whiplash. I am not lying. We had zero degree weather below zero degree this weekend. We've had it go up into the 40s this week. Today we're back down to, I don't know, like 10 degrees, not including the stinking wind chill factor. I, woo, whiplash is what I have. I do. I know you're probably sick of hearing me talk about the weather, but when you live in Chicago, I think when you live anywhere, weather is something that it's probably something you talk about the older you get. I don't know. My son lives in Denver, he's 31 and he talks about weather all the time. So I think it's a universal language weather. But here it is, and on Christmas Day, oh, so all the snow is gone. We had 16 inches of snow, lasted forever. The warm rain yesterday wiped that out. Christmas Day, it's supposed to be 56 degrees. I am so excited. I'm putting on a bikini and going out to the uh the pool deck, I'm telling you. But uh, anytime I don't have to wear giant clothes or socks, oh, I'm happy. Anyway, that's what's been going on here. Um medical stuff here and there, everything's good. Finishing out the year strong. Seen all my allogists, my hematologist, my rheumatologist, my oncologist, my radio radiology oncologist, my um cardiologist. I think I've seen all myologists. Have you seen all yourologists? And I've just got a new one for my veins, and I don't know what a veinologist, I don't know what they are, but they've added a new person to my list. But I'm feeling great, feeling strong, excited about my trip. I'm leaving on January 11th, and I won't be back here into the cold tundra until the end of February. Um headed to the West Coast, all kinds of fun things, looking forward to it, spending time with people, spending time out of here. A little break from Craig. Yeah, a little break from Craig would be nice. I'm sure he feels exactly the same way. So it's all good. Uh, we had our Holly date this week. We went to the walnut room in the old Marshall Fields here in Chicago. I have had luncheons with girlfriends. I have had all kinds of things, and I have a play this weekend I'm taking my friend Joan to and meeting Craig for dinner, and we have a brunch with friends. We got a lot going on. A lot going on, and it's great. And I'm no complaints, no complaints. We live living in this small place in the center of downtown Chicago, we leave live a full life, fuller than any life we've ever lived, lived anywhere. And I am soaking it all in. Who knows how long we'll be here? You never know. Um, I'm guessing five years, and we're probably going to make a switch. But for right now, it's the perfect place to be. Alec went to uh Mexico City, had a great trip, uh, suggests that Craig and I go there. You know, Craig and I banter around after five years, after he's done with his job here, um, the thought of moving to Mexico. And I never had entertained Mexico City. All kinds of places out and about in Mexico. But in Mexico City, we could live a very similar life in a high-rise, which I really like. I don't want a neighborhood again. And a really vibrant city. So started clicking some things in my brain. More to come on that. More to come. Anyways, last week we talked about all the unexpected, not so great things about aging that kind of either snuck up on us or will be sneaking up on you, depending on your age. Or maybe you've had a few of them sneak up and a few of them not. But we talked about that last week. This week we're gonna talk about the positive signs of aging. And there are a lot. Um, there are a lot, and I'm gonna try to hit on all of them. Um, you it'll I hope it'll rock your mind to think of some things that you need to be grateful for, that we're happy about with aging. Aging isn't all bad. It isn't for sissies, but it isn't all bad. So let's be honest, if someone had told us this stuff when we were younger, we would have nodded politely, which we did, and not exactly believed them or thought about it or really gave it any credence. I did not, and I will tell you, um, I will tell you why I kind of have a unique perspective, maybe not. Um, but in when my mom had me, she had me in her 30s, and back then that was really old for having kids. My siblings are eight, 10, and 12 years older than me, so I came along late in life. So when my mom and dad became grandparents to my kids, they were older. But I'll tell you what, they gave 150%. And I remember expecting 150%. I was what in my 30s, 40s. They'd come visit me wherever I lived. They'd sleep on our first house when we had um baby Kyle. We lived in Venice Beach in an 800 square foot, smaller than we live in now, um, bungalow in Venice Beach. Great house, but tiny. And we had a fold-out futon that my parents, who were in their 60s at their time, mind you, probably right around my age, didn't complain, came and slept on, shared one bathroom with us. That's all we had. We made it work and they never complained. And you know what? Now that I'm that age looking at it, I would do it for my kids. Um, but it's cute when I go to Alec, they let us sleep in their room and they sleep on the futon. Never thought about doing that, did we, Craig? No, we didn't. But nonetheless, they did it. And now that I'm that age, I have a different perspective. So I think when you're young and you're thinking about aging and you're looking at all the pluses and minuses. Um, I hear a lot of young people go, uh, when do we get to move to the retirement home? Doesn't sound so bad. Take a nap, get up, someone cooks for you, you can go play bingo if you want. You know what, people, it really isn't that bad. I know we used to talk about it as a bad thing. It's not. It's every season of life has something to give, doesn't it? Every season. So the the key, the real key here is to joy enjoy every season. And I think the hardest season for me personally to have enjoyed was the children when they were young, really young, and trying to keep it all together. And Craig traveled a ton, and it was a lot. It was a lot. And I think that was my hardest season. I think this is my best season, to be honest, living here in the big city, living my best life. It's my best season. All right, so today I'm sharing with you what if someone would have told me about aging knowing full well, I probably wouldn't have listened. All right, so here we go. Here are some things. I'm not gonna even take a break. We're gonna just dive into it. No silly music, no transition. You don't have to have it all figured out. We thought adulthood came with answers. And you know, it's something I've been reminding my kids. I've heard this, I think, on the internet somewhere. This is my first time on this planet, too. This is my first time ever being here. I don't know anything secret, I don't know anything better. It's their my kids' first time, and guess what? It's mine too. So give me grace, is what I'm trying to say in that. I didn't give my mom much grace, and I should have. But we did think that all adulthood came with answers. Turns out it comes with better questions. And that's a fact. It really is okay not to have it all mapped out. I just shared with you. Life does adjust as you go. Did Craig and I ever we bought, okay, so just, and if you if you've heard this, sorry. But Craig and I bought the condo we live in, this beautiful one bedroom in a high rise right off Michigan Avenue here in Chicago. I can see the world's largest Starbucks while I'm talking to you. Um we bought this in 2001 as an investment property. Never in a trillion million years did I think I'd live in it, and here I am. It's because you don't really, there are those rare few that map out everything and their life goes according to plan. How boring is that! But good for them. Craig has a friend like that, all mapped out. It's gone according to plan, and good for them. But you know what? We've had to make adjustments when the when the market crashed. We had to make adjustments when um COVID shut down the country and the world. We've had to make several adjustments, but we always land on our feet. And right now, we know that we are good here for the next four, let's say four years, five years. We've already done one in the current position that Craig has. When that's up, it may not be financially smart for us to stay here. Could we do it? Yes. Would it be the best financial move? Maybe not. I know you all hear Midwest is a cheap place to live. Well, the city is not. Our property taxes for our 800 square foot condo are higher than our house in California were. Let me repeat that. They are several thousands more than I paid for my big house in California. So, you know, as you retire, you have to think about things, but you don't have to have it all figured out. You can figure it out as it goes. And I feel better about that because several times in the last five years I've felt like crap. You know, crap is all I can say. Damn, we got to do this. We got to, and you know, you don't have to have it all figured out. You can figure it out as you go. And there's some grace in that. There is some exhaling to do in that. All right, here's one that I don't know if I believed this year, but I do know. Your body is not the enemy. It is not. Our bodies change, things sag. They're not betraying us. They are really communicating our body. So you need to listen to it. I listened to, I had a dream and I felt a lump in my breast. And last in 2024, the late fall of 2024, and sure enough, I had breast cancer stage two surgery January 8th of this year. Went through all the treatment, chemo, radiation, did it all. I'm on those estrogen blocking pills, which are not great for women. They throw us back into menopause. They make me have a belly, which I had gotten rid of through a lot of hard work. And no matter what I do now, I have this lovely little gift of a belly. And uh yeah. But it's keeping me alive and it's keeping the cancer from coming back. So I've learned to live with it. My body's not betraying me. I'm working out. I worked out all through chemo, all through radiation. I never stopped working out. I never stopped participating in life. I never crawled in a hole. I listen to my body now, and uh, sometimes it's hard for me to get doctors to hear what my body's saying, but I work my ass off to make them understand. And my friends that know me know this. So don't be mad at your body. It's not betraying you. It's lived on this planet for a very long time. It's been fighting gravity for a very long time, and it's been working hard, and we have not always treated it the best. We don't always eat the best, we always do all the best things for ourselves. So remember, our body is doing its best. All right, so the next thing we're gonna talk about rest. Rest is not a reward, it is something you need, it is necessary. And I'm gonna tell you right now, it is something that I grant myself when I need it. Yesterday I came home from a party. It was a rainy day here. I was tired. It's been a long year medically for me. I've had not just breast cancer, I have Ailers-Dendlos vascular type 4, which is a very rare genetic condition that causes me a lot of problems, especially in aging. It's a connective tissue disorder. It has given me problems ad nauseum this year, probably exacerbated by my chemotherapy. Um, I tripped and fell headfirst into the street, ended up with 14 stitches. So, you know, it's rest is not a reward, it's necessary. And take it when you need it. Don't beat yourself up. We have worked our ass off for a lifetime, most of us. I worked as a kid. I worked at the ice skating rink when I was 13. I held many a job and learners, uh, where the limited seers, where I worked all kinds of places. I've been working for a long time. And uh rest isn't burnout, is you don't get a burnt badge of honor for burnout. And for my young people that are still working, take those PTO days. Nobody, the trust me, when you retire, nobody's gonna go, oh look, Sally had 365 PTO days log that she didn't use. Good for Sally. Nobody does that. Nobody use your PTO, get your rest. Burnout isn't a badge of honor. Most things do work out. My husband has definitely got that gene. I do not. I stress and I worry needlessly. As I've gotten older, I've learned to not because I can look back at the record, and things do work out. We've had some really heavy hits and scary ones in our older age. And you know what? They've worked out, and they've all worked out for the better. The job that brought Craig here kept him for a year and then let him go. Yet he was supposed to work with them for three years. That's why we came here. We weren't prepared to retire yet. We were still recouping our losses from COVID. And let me tell you something, that was a heavy hit, but it all worked out. Craig ended up, some friends called, they needed some help with their company. He worked for them, and then the funding didn't come in for a project, and that that job ended. He pivoted right into his dream job. Working for our cathedral, working for the remodel, the renovations, and everything that's going on there. Happy as a clam. Doesn't mean it wasn't scary when things were happening. But it has worked out. And when you have a track record to look back on is easier than when you're young. I know that. But most things do work out. Not how we planned, not on our timeline, but they do work out. Worry, and I have to remind myself of this, I am not spouting off something that I'm capable of. Worry steals today for a future that hasn't happened yet. Let me tell you that again. Worry steals today for a future that hasn't happened. And that is some important stuff to remember. All righty then. Oh, you're stronger than you think. You're stronger than you think. You're stronger than you think. Hallelujah. We are stronger than we think. You've already survived hard things. You just forget that sometimes resilience grows quietly. Let me say that again. You've already survived hard things. You just forgot that sometimes. And resilience grows quietly. Oh my god, that is so true. I I am extremely resilient, and I know that. Um, through our marriage, we have moved hither and yon for Craig's job. And they always came unexpectedly. None of them were planned. I was living my best life in California. Nope, we're moving to Texas. Got to Texas, short period of time, moved on to Denmark, back to Texas, working my life, getting our life set up there, getting the kids, everything going, our home. Four years, bam, moved to Oregon. Made friends, really good friends. Got through all that, and then bam, moved to California. Long time in California. I think that's our longest place anywhere, which gave the kids a great place to grow up, great friends, great church. And then we needed to do something. Craig found the job in Chicago. We had this condo, so let's just do it. And I'm here creating again the best life, knowing that this isn't the end. There's gonna be another move. But when I'm in it, I do enjoy it. But I am resilient. I am resilient, and so are you. All right, so those are some of the the good things about getting older. Let's let's kind of wrap them up again here in a little bow. We don't have to have it all figured out. Our body is not really the enemy. Rest is not a reward. We get to rest as much as we want now. Most things will work out. You're stronger than you think. If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be this you're doing better than you think. Aging ain't for sissies. But wisdom sure comes with the miles. Happy holidays, everyone. Talk to you next week.

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Marcy Backhus

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