Aging ain't for Sissies
Aging isn't easy. My name is Marcy Backhus and I am your host! Make sure your complete well-being is handled with a community and information that can make it easier and FUN. Aging needs humor, which you can find in the "Aging ain't for Sissies" Podcast, along with informational guests that give us the information we need.
Aging ain't for Sissies
Strength Without Performance, Peace Without Permission
A swollen hand, a missed Disneyland day, and a suitcase full of TJ Maxx finds might not sound like a manifesto—but this week turns into a vivid map of becoming. Between a family dust-up, a rare infection biopsy, and a hopeful green light for an upcoming cruise, we face the question that quietly shapes midlife and beyond: Who am I becoming, and who am I done trying to be?
I walk through the messy middle of identity shifts, the kind that don’t announce themselves with fireworks. There’s the Target moment asking for help when my hand won’t cooperate, the decision to rest instead of push, and the relief of telling the truth even when it’s uncomfortable. We talk about releasing the roles that used to keep us safe—the peacekeeper who pays with her own peace, the tireless performer, the palatable version who overexplains—and how alignment feels like shoulders finally dropping. Along the way, you’ll hear what it’s like to navigate a rare infection (biopsy, stitches, waiting on cultures), the reality of locked-up essentials in big box stores, and the courage to speak up about the state of the country without turning this space into a shouting match.
If you’ve felt a quiet resistance to who you used to be, this conversation gives language and permission. We explore choosing peace over approval, listening to intuition, honoring limits, and refusing to rush—a practical blueprint for aging with honesty and heart. The payoff isn’t perfect days; it’s the absence of self-betrayal. You stop forcing yourself into rooms that shrink you. You stop negotiating with your gut. You start trusting that showing up as you are is enough.
Press play for a clear, compassionate take on growth, boundaries, recovery, and real strength. If the message resonates, share it with a friend who needs it, subscribe for more candid conversations, and leave a review to help others find the show.
Hello, and welcome to Aging A for Sissies. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Well, welcome back. I am still on my epic road trip. I have had all kinds of things happen, good and not so good. I'll share those with you today. It's been quite a week, to be honest, but uh I'm still standing, which is always a good thing. I have a great episode for you today. I'm again working with my dog on laptop here, trying to get things settled. Um, today's episode is really good. Today's episode feels really personal in a way that isn't dramatic, but it's very honest. I want to talk about who I'm becoming now, and just as importantly, who I'm done trying to be. So hopefully this will help you see your changes because if you've lived long enough, you've reached a point where you realize something quite quietly but clearly. Some versions of yourselves were necessary, some were protective, and some were some were survival-based. I am having trouble talking this morning, but not all of them are required anymore. And that realization can feel freeing, unsettling, all at the same time. So I said this has been a crazy road trip. Yeah, it has. It has. I I, you know, best intentions. So um had a dust up with my sister on my first nights back from Vegas, and that changed that, set me on a path of some enjoyable quiet time, I will say. I had a great hotel, was able to spend some time with a nephew, my girlfriends, spent some time at Lynn's house, had a great time there, came down to Torrance to spend time with Kyle, and Kyle got that nasty, horrible flu that's going around. So finally, I was supposed to be with Kyle Friday night. No, Saturday night, Sunday night, Monday night. Finally, Monday night, Kyle and I got to go to dinner. It was great. Sunday night, I went to my nephew's beautiful home, his wife Beth, and the kids, and I got to play some Go Fish. You know, never, never too old to play Go Fish. Had great dinner. My nephew, Chris, is an amazing cook, beautiful, and I'm not a huge pork eater, but he I will eat Chris's pork anytime. This pulled pork, wonderful coleslaw, great evening. Was able to spend the next day with Kyle and Kyle and I, after Kyle got off work, we went to uh her favorite um King's Hawaiian. Yes, it is the roll place, and you get a basket of yummy rolls, had a Chinese chicken salad there, and then we shared a mud cake, an ice cream mud cake, delicious. Uh, took Kyle back, set Kyle on Kyle's way, and on Tuesday, I headed back down. So on Monday, also, what I didn't tell you all is that um I've had something happening with my hand for three months. I've been to multiple doctors, emergency rooms, blah, blah, blah. Nobody really could figure it out. My very good friend helped me before I left. We thought we had it under control. It was completely under control until it wasn't. And then I didn't know quite what to do because things were not going in a good direction. And my friend in Chicago, Dan, helped me with a hand surgeon here in Orange County. So on Monday, I saw the hand surgeon and he agreed that there was something going on in my knuckle. I had had a cat scratch in September. Um, we think my cat got down into the tissue in my knuckle and deposited uh back, uh, not a bacterial, but more of a fungal infection. And those of you that know me know I am the infection queen. Well, sadly, it looks like it's going to be a rare infection like I had in my left hand. We took a biopsy Tuesday, um, six stitches for that. And uh, my hand is extraordinarily swollen. I don't do great with surgeries. I swell a lot, but I'm doing okay. I'm hanging in there. I will see my surgeon tomorrow Friday. And hopefully everything seems well. I'm on antibiotics. I won't, they won't know what type of infection this is for three weeks because the rare types take three weeks to grow. So I'm on antibiotics to stop any secondary infections. And when I get back to Chicago, I will know what I'm dealing with and we will deal with that. The last time I had it required six surgeries. I don't think this one, I think we caught this one early. And um, I also had to have IV antibiotics. I had to have a um PIC line put in. I may need the PIC line again, but you know what? This is life. I thought I was gonna go into 2026 medically sound, but excuse me, it doesn't look that way. But you know what? Could always be worse. We finally got an answer. I've got a great hand surgeon here in California that's helping me. I have a good hand surgeon, a great hand surgeon as well, Dan, in Chicago, who cares about me. So I'm in good hands, everyone. And um, I feel like I'm gonna get the green light tomorrow to go on my cruise. I think I would be really sad if that got changed, but um I I'm feeling I'm feeling very optimistic about that. I will have a big, fat, gross hand, but uh whatever I can get through it. I want to spend that week on the boat in the spa experience, having all kinds of spa experiences with my bestie. We've been getting ready, we've been talking about packing. What are we gonna bring? My car is packed to the hilt. I have done a little bit of shopping, I'm not gonna lie. Um, I shopped at so many different TJ Maxxes on my drive here and here that my credit card got a fraud alert on it. Because they thought this can't be possible. Well, guess what? It was, and it was me. I was the fraud. Um, some interesting things about California. Uh, only paper bags here. 10 cents a paper bag, which is I'm used to paying for bags, but sometimes you get bags with no handles. I hate that. Then the other thing, I had to pick up my prescriptions over at a CVS that's inside a Target. 90% of the things in the pharmacy department were locked up. Deodorants, toothpaste, Tylenol. Uh a billion things that I needed. The poor guy, he just ended up following me around basically. And but the it was very cool because his phone was kind of like a zapper and he'd zapped the locks open. There were no keys involved. It's kind of neat. So if you're experiencing the great lockup of 2026, you're not alone. I did some research, found out why products are getting locked up. It is due to theft, but not theft for what you think. They are resold on Amazon. So Amazon's trying to find a way to cut down on the just, you know. I would like life to be a little simpler. I think it's getting a little out of control. I also have my feelings about what's going on in this country. I can't believe that our own government is killing people. Um, stay loud, stay strong, don't stay silent. If we stay silent, this is what happens. I knew the minute that that first young woman was shot in Minnesota that they'd do it again because our government stood behind them, our government okayed it, our government made excuses, and our government allowed it to happen. And so they have free reign for shooting anybody they want because they won't be prosecuted. My feelings, if you don't like them, don't listen. Sorry, that's my soapbox for today. I'll get off it. Uh, don't mean to laugh about it because it's not funny, but dear God, this is not a country that any of us want to live in. But one thing we can focus on is ourselves. So let's get started. We don't talk enough about identity shifts, and we do this. I just shifted my identity in that opening very quickly. I um we our identities do shift. Nobody really prepares us for how much our identity changes as you age. And I'm not talking just about now, I'm talking about our whole lives, really. We expect things like our bodies to change. We expected it when we were young. We expected it when we were old. I'm gonna be honest, from 50 to 60, I did not expect the changes that happened to me. Part of them are due to the Ailers Danlos that I have. Um, part of them are just part of the aging process, but it happened quickly, swiftly, and I was not prepared for my skin to change as much and things to change as much as it did. We expect our schedules to change. I no longer work. I do work in the sense that I volunteer at my cathedral, I do these podcasts. Now I have three. So I do work, but it's at my pace. So we expect our schedules to change, but we don't talk about the emotional shift that happens when you realize I don't want to live the way I used to, and I don't. I was extremely quick to react when I was young. I'm working on that. I have very strong opinions. I'm keeping my strong opinions, but I, believe it or not, withhold a lot of doling out my opinions. It's why I have my other podcast inside Marcy's mind. That's a place for that. It helps me with that. For a long time, I divine myself by my roles, what I did for others, what I managed, what I handled, what I held together, being a mom, being a wife. I did work for a decade after Alec was a senior. I stayed home and was the massive volunteer before that. I loved my job for the city of Irvine. As a matter of fact, went out with my old supervisor for dinner the other night. I loved Diana and I loved spending time with Diana. And all of that worked until it didn't.
SPEAKER_00:Somewhere along the way, I started feeling a quiet resistance, a very quiet resistance to being identified by all those things.
SPEAKER_01:It's not an anger, it's not resentment, just a gentle but persistent sense of this that no longer fits.
SPEAKER_00:That's usually the first sign you're becoming someone new. Who am I done trying to be? Well, I'm I'm I'm I'm done trying to be the one who never needs anything.
SPEAKER_01:I can tell you that much. Yesterday, my hand is extremely swollen and I was doing, I'm getting teary-eyed, I was doing the self-checkout at the target with a bunch of stuff and trying to open the bag. And and a woman came over, my age, I would say, and asked if she could help me. She worked there. I said, absolutely. Well, the old Marcy, never. Nope, I can do it myself. Nope, I can do it myself. Is that still there? Yes. Am I learning to soften? Yes. So I'm I'm trying, I'm done trying to be the one who never needs anything, never needs any help, never needs any assistance. The one who keeps her peace at her own expense.
SPEAKER_00:That ain't happening anymore.
SPEAKER_01:I will not keep the peace at my own expense. And sadly, my sister and I had a dust up, and I'm not willing to suck up other people's stuff anymore. And I did my best to leave and hold my peace. I did not. I made one statement that was unkind. But for the most part, I kept my mouth shut and left. I am done being the one who explains herself so everyone else feels comfortable, as I just did in my opening. I'm very upset about what's going on in our country. I don't want my podcast to become about that, but I can't be silent anymore. I know it may make other people feel uncomfortable, and I'm sorry. That is not my goal, but how you feel about it is how you feel about it. And I need to state sometimes how I feel. The one who powers through no matter the cost. I will share with you a decision that was made with my bestie. Um, I had my biopsy on Monday and I ended up with six stitches. It ended up being a much bigger biopsy than they expected. I was gonna have one or two stitches. My hand is swollen. Emotionally, I've been through a lot. You have to, you have to realize, even if you're strong and you go through things, there's an emotional toll on stuff. And I've had this going on since October 17th. So I've dealt with a lot. Um, my bestie said, Are you sure you want to go to Disneyland tomorrow? I was supposed to go to Disneyland. Yesterday I'm at a beautiful hotel down by Disneyland right now for two nights. And when I got to the hotel and I got my stuff in, I called Lynn and I said, No, I can't do it.
SPEAKER_00:That's a big step for me.
SPEAKER_01:So in your life, I want you to recognize those big steps. That's a huge Disneyland is my happy place. It's my feel-good place. But I also knew that I've been away from home for three weeks. I've gone through a lot emotionally and mentally in these last three weeks, good and bad. And it wasn't the right thing to do. I left, I used yesterday as a power-up day. I relaxed, I worked out, I picked up my meds, I hung out in my room, I did one of my podcasts yesterday for unbottled. I can see the Matterhorn, I can see Space Mountain. I watched all the families go off. And you know what? I felt okay about it because I knew I did the right thing. I did the absolute right thing. I feel energized today. So I did not power through. I spent a lot of years believing that being strong meant being endlessly capable.
SPEAKER_00:What a crock of shit. It's not true. Here's the truth. That version of strength is freaking exhausting. I'm also done trying to be palatable.
SPEAKER_01:I'm not everybody's cup of tea, and that's okay. I am me. I never do anything to intentionally be mean. I love hard. I love my friends.
SPEAKER_00:My friends love me. They know who I am.
SPEAKER_01:Saying that I'm not trying to be palatable doesn't mean I'm gonna be go out of my way to be unpalatable, but I'm gonna be unabashedly me. I'm me.
SPEAKER_00:I'm a good person, I'm a kind person, and I have surrounded myself with people who are amazing. I'm done trying to soften my truth, trying to manage other people's reactions.
SPEAKER_01:Again, just because I'm not doing those things doesn't mean I'm going out of the what my way to make things worse. Being honestly yourself doesn't mean you're nasty, doesn't mean you're mean. I think my mom took it the other way. She just didn't care. I care, but I also care about me, and I want to make sure I'm okay. At this stage of life, I no longer want to audition for acceptance. I'm surrounded by people by people that accept me for who I am, warts and all, as they say, and I've accepted them the same. I'm not perfect, but I'm not out to ever be mean. So if that makes someone uncomfortable, that's okay. Comfort is not my job anymore. I want you to think about how that works in your life. How do you see that working for you? Who am I becoming instead? Because if I'm shedding all of that, there's room for growth. Now, growth isn't overnight, growth comes in stages, growth comes in bits and pieces. Sometimes we slide back, but I recognize my slide backs. So who am I becoming? I'm becoming someone who listens to herself, someone who notices when something feels off and doesn't immediately override it with logic or guilt. I am not taking on other people's stuff anymore. I'm not doing it. I'm becoming someone who values peace over approval, alignment over obligation, honesty over harmony. Do I want harmony in my life? You're damn right I do.
SPEAKER_00:Just like all of you.
SPEAKER_01:But I also have to be honest with myself. What works in my life and what doesn't.
SPEAKER_00:I'm not gonna carry anything along that doesn't serve me. And you shouldn't either.
SPEAKER_01:I'm also becoming softer in places where I used to be rigid. I'm kinder to myself, I'm less judgmental. Judgmental is hard. I don't mean to be judgmental, but I'll find myself driving and just have a judgy thought. Like, get out of there. So I'm working on that. More forgiving of my own limits. I am limited. I am limited. Let me say that again. I'm 65 and I'm limited. There are things I cannot do today that I could do 15, 10 years ago. But there are things today that I do that other people my age cannot. I can do a podcast. I can work out in the pool every day. I can walk in a city with confidence like Chicago and move when I was 60 and make friends.
SPEAKER_00:There's a lot of things I can do. But I do have limits. This version of me doesn't rush.
SPEAKER_01:She doesn't approve and she doesn't perform. That rushing thing is super important. Rushing is when you make mistakes, you fall, you get hurt. Nope, not happening. Not happening. I did a small fall when I was with my nephew at this coffee shop on the I went to I was on a step and I was turning around to go up back up. I was going one direction and I quickly changed directions to go back. I thought I was going to go down to go to the restroom. I saw a man go in the restroom, decided I didn't want to go in the restroom and turned around and my feet didn't catch up with my body. So my body went, my feet didn't, and I fell on my hip on the on the patio. I'm fine. Didn't did not did not did not hurt anything, bruised up my hip.
SPEAKER_00:I'm fine. But I don't rush anymore. I don't I don't have to prove anything and I don't have to perform for anyone.
SPEAKER_01:I show up as I am and trust that that's enough. I had the most amazing weekend for my birthday in Vegas with such good friends who love and care about me, warts and all. Did I have a few frustrating moments? I absolutely did. I don't like getting lost. I don't like not where I'm going. That's the controlling me. I always need to know. And there were a couple times I didn't. Did my frustration build up? Yes. Did I control it better than I did in my youth?
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Am I perfect? No. Why this shift can feel uncomfortable?
SPEAKER_01:Here's the part we don't talk about enough. When you stop being who people are used to, there's a gap, a pause, and an adjustment period. And during that time you might feel awkward, uncertain, and a little untethered. That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It means you're transitioning. Identity shifts always feel strange before they feel solid. You're not losing yourself, you're shedding versions that no longer serve you. Now, there is definitely a mindset amongst older people that this is the way I am, take it or leave it. That's not what I'm saying. I'm evolving. I'm changing in what I think are good ways. I'm not accepting the old versions of myself. I'm not saying take it or leave it. In a way I am. But I'm not stuck in my old ways. I am changing. I'm working on it. I don't like when people are like, this is just the way I am. No, it's not. If you don't like who I am, that's not at all what I'm saying. So I hope you're not getting that. Here's some relief on the other side of all of this. Once you settle into who you're becoming, something beautiful does happen. Life feels quieter, decisions feel clearer, your body relaxes. You know what? Your shoulders go down. My shoulders, and when I feel my shoulders going up, I know there's an issue. And I work at moving them back down and looking inward in me to see why they're going up. You stop forcing yourself into spaces where you do not belong. You stop negotiating with your own intuition. You stop apologizing for being exactly who you are. That's relief. There's relief in that deep relief. That's why those shoulders come down. The neck's not so tight.
SPEAKER_00:And it doesn't come from doing more, it comes from being more honest. That was a lot, huh?
SPEAKER_01:Sorry. If it was a lot for you, you might need to listen to this episode twice. But it's important things. So if you're listening to this and thinking, I don't feel like the person I used to be, I want you to know something. That's not a loss, that's growth. You're allowed to evolve, you're allowed to change your mind, you're allowed to step into a version of yourself that feels more true.
SPEAKER_00:Who you're becoming matters, and who you're done trying to be. You can thank her and let her rest. She served you well, or he served you well if you're a guy.
SPEAKER_01:Thank her for all she did and let her rest. It's time for an updated version. As always, I want to thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. And remember, aging ain't for sissies, but it does give us permission to finally be ourselves. Go out and do something positive.
