Adult Kids, New Rules

We talk about the messy middle of parenting adult kids, when our good intentions start sounding like control and we have to change how we communicate. I share the mindset shifts and exact phrases that help us stay close to our grown kids without nagging, fixing, or pushing them away. 
• why parenting doesn’t stop and how it changes 
• the “am I helping or controlling” filter 
• supportive language that invites real talk 
• how to listen without fixing when you’re a fixer 
• affirming first then asking “Do you want my thoughts?” 
• letting adult kids make mistakes and find their path 
• building an adult relationship with trust, respect, and space 
If this episode made you laugh, think, or maybe pause before giving advice, make sure you follow, share, share it with a friend and come back next week. 

Transcript

Adult Kids And The New Rules

Edit Your Delivery Not Intentions

Support Versus Control Language

A Fixer Learns To Listen

The Naps Are Survival Segment

Letting Them Learn Their Own Way

Building Respectful Adult Relationships

Closing Thoughts And Share Request

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, and welcome to Aging Apefor Sissies. My name is Marcy Backgus, and I am your host. Wow, music got a little loud there. Anyways, hey, welcome back. Welcome back to Aging Apefor Sissies, the podcast where we say the quiet parts out loud about getting older. And we do it with a whole lot of humor, a little bit of sass, and zero patience for nonsense. I am your host, Marcy, and around here we try and we are not trying to be 25 again. We are trying to feel good, live smart, and actually enjoy this stage of life. Because let's be honest, aging isn't for sissies, but it can be done intentionally. And that's exactly what we're doing here. Oh, let's see, what's going on in life? Life is good. Um, you know, just when you think life feels okay, there's a way that it slaps you back down, isn't there? I was feeling really good. We've had great weather this week. I've been exercising. You know, I'm doing double workouts two days a week out of my five workouts. And uh yesterday stopped me dead in my tracks. I was at my Wednesday night church service getting ready for the service to start. Thank goodness it hadn't started yet. And I was in a pew in the front, and I was moving to another spot and just tripped. There's a little brace that holds the wall in front of the front pew and went straight down on my knee. Nothing horrible, few cuts, and I hit my breastbone, you know, between on your chest, uh, on the wall, and hit my knee on the ground. So nothing broke. Everything's just really sore. And you know, the universe has a way of just knocking us back to our our knees, literally. Um and I have fallen on that knee so many times that the muscle around it when I fall on it just has an issue. So I've got it wrapped up, and that helps. Um, I do have a gala to go to tomorrow night, funny enough, for our cathedral. And uh yeah, we'll see how I do in heels. I'm not quite sure what shoes I'm gonna wear now, but I've taken it easy today, didn't go to the gym, which just kills me. And I, you know, I don't know who I am. When I say that, I never thought in my life I'd have a day where I felt guilty for not going to the gym, but I do, and I need to give myself some grace. So I'm giving myself some grace. My husband brought home soup for lunch. It was delicious, had lunch with me, went back over. Craig works at the cathedral, went back to his office at the cathedral next door, and I've had a nice quiet afternoon. Let's see, I've watched some good things. And I don't know if I mentioned it last week, but if I didn't, I'm mentioning it now. If you haven't watched on Netflix Dan Levy's new show, Big Mistakes, I'm telling you, watch it. Um, the new season of Hacks started today. So tonight was episode one of season five, Love Me Some Hacks. If you haven't watched Madison, the Madison, the Madison, I believe it is, on um Paramount, another awesome one. There's so much good stuff to watch out there, I tell you. And I always fill in with my reality shows, Love Me Some Housewives. Caught um, you know, Survivor 50 is on season 50, and I've never missed one episode or one minute. I videotaped it when it first started. I have not missed any Survivor episodes. So that's what I've been up to working out. Had a little problem with the place that I bought my new car, but I got that solved today, and I'm feeling really good because it was weighing heavy on me. And uh got that all solved today. Love my new car. Uh, got a clean bill of health from my oncologist this week. Took my cats to the vet. That was something, let me tell you. Patrick does not like the vet. Patrick is my tripod, and he was hit by a car when he was young and lost a leg. So, and he wasn't my cat then. I wasn't the irresponsible one. That's what I'm saying. And uh I he just doesn't like the vet. And he was super spicy. Miss Pickles was sweet as can be. We are going to uh gala tomorrow night. We're going to a concert and to dinner with friends on Saturday night. And then next Thursday, we fly to Denver to see my great nephew Chris at his school, um College of the Minds, the top engineering school in the United States. And it happens to be right in the town where my son works. So spend a few days with our son. So that's what's happening here. Hope life is good for you. I hope you haven't had any sudden uh knee, knee injuries or anything else. I hope life is good. If it's not, let's always do what we can to make the best of it. And with that being said, I wanted to talk this week about adult kids. Because nobody warns you about this stage. You spend years raising them, guiding them, telling them what to do. And then suddenly you're supposed to just stop talking. Like, excuse me, I have opinions, I have experiences, I have thoughts, but apparently, delivery matters now. Now, my kids don't listen to my podcast, so um I can say anything I want. And that's their fault for not listening. You know, I have a good relationship with both my kids. Um, with one of them, it hasn't always been that way. We had one walk away for a little over a year and then came to their senses and realized we're not as bad as all that, or as the people around them were telling them. It actually wasn't our child. It was, there were some extenuating circumstances. Those that you know me know. And if you don't, it's fine. We've muddled through that part of life, but we're still we're into this part where, like right now, we're flying in to see Alec next Thursday. A couple days ago, I texted him, hey, you remember dad and I are coming, right? And this time we're not staying with him and Sharon because they're getting ready to move. So I got a hotel. Um, we also rented a car, which last time they picked us up. You know, I try to make things as easy as I can, but it's like, hey, dude, we're coming. I get nothing, nothing. Crickets, crickets, crickets. But let me tell you, when they need something, I better answer that phone. But let's let's get into that a little bit later. Here's the truth: parenting doesn't stop, it just changes. Okay. And for those of you that think it just stops, well, it doesn't. And if you're one of those parents, then either listen or don't. But parenting changes, and that change is not easy, and it's not easy for any of us because you go from decision maker, fixer, problem solver, and I am a fixer. I have learned probably in the last five years that I am a fixer for everyone and everything. It's just it's who I am at my core. And now we have to be an observer, a supporter. Try not to say anything unless we're asked person. And let's be honest, the last one is a struggle. Oh, and by the way, quick little side note before we get too deep into this. If you caught last week's episode about travel, I made you a super simple nonsense travel checklist. It's on my website, it's easy, it's printable, it's actually useful. And I also put up a picture of the Sudoku trap packing concept because we are not overcomplicating life anymore, especially not travel. Here's the thing: why do we always sound like a nag even when we don't mean to? I want to call this out. We're not trying to nag. We honestly, honestly are trying to help protect and share what we've learned. Okay? And I know that to be true for myself, and I'm sure it's true for you. I am I don't want to nag, but did you get your taxes done? You know, I mean. But what they hear is criticism control, and you don't trust me. And that's where things go sideways. Now, I'm gonna toot my horn here a little bit. I have worked on my communication with my kids, and this is why I'm sharing this episode, and it can get better. And especially my oldest, we really would butt heads. And I was never trying to do any of those things, but again, that's what they heard. And I have learned how to phrase things, how to say things to not let that happen anymore. And our communication has really gotten better, and I'm so grateful. So I'm hoping through this episode that if you're struggling with this, you can too. Because our intentions are good. Our delivery needs a little editing. And I'm gonna be honest with you. Uh for years I thought, uh, why do I need to change? Well, if you want a good relationship with your kids, you need to change. And my delivery did need editing. All of my best intentions weren't being heard. So I needed to edit how I said things, how I delivered things, and have some deep, honest conversations with my child. And I did. So I want you to see. Here's your new filter. Before you're saying before you say something, ask, am I helping or am I trying to control the outcome? That is a really important question. And this is what I ask myself now. Am I helping or am I trying to control the outcome? Because those are two very different things. Support sounds like, I'm here if you want to talk it through. What are you thinking about doing? Control sounds like you should. Why don't you just if I were you? So listen to those again. Here's what a supportive comment may be. Oh, I'm here if you want to talk it through. I say that to Kyle a lot now. I'll ask Alec, what are you thinking about doing? It's much better than you should. Why don't you just, if I were you, why don't you? Why don't you? Why don't you? And after you say it and listen. And listen, we have great ideas. That's not the problem. We've lived a lot more life than they have. The problem is they need to arrive at things in their own way. We all do. Think about your parents. Now we have ways to communicate, texting, like I just talked about, texting. Texting, our parents didn't have. So the problem is we are in communication a lot more. Think about communicating with your parents. We really didn't much. We had to wait till the weekend, till the price went down. Remember those days? Putting in your um, oh my gosh, the name just went, but putting in your code. Remember the code, the the long distance code? Anyways, but they need to arrive to things on their own in their own way, just like we did. If you want to encourage your adult kids without pushing them away, here's what works. And am I perfect at this? No. Am I better at it? Yes. Instead of you need to do this, try what's your plan? They come to you with a problem, go, okay, what's your plan? Let them think. Let them lead. And it doesn't mean you can't help. But not every situation requires your input. I know, painful, right? But sometimes the sport is just listening without fixing. And for a fixer, that's really hard. I am a fixer, and that is hard, but I'm doing my best to listen without fixing. Affirm before you give advice. Start with, I trust you, you've got this. And then if they're open, you can add, do you want my thoughts? Ooh, game changer. That gives them the opportunity to open up or not. Do you want my thoughts? So here's a really big thing that has happened between Kyle and I. And Kyle said it was a complete game changer for Kyle in talking with me. And I didn't even know I did it, and I did it. So Kyle is a hoarder. I am the opposite of a hoarder. I am a thrower-awayer. Kyle comes from it honestly. Kyle's grandmother on Craig's side, a bit of a hoarder. Craig, a bit of a hoarder. Kyle, a bit of a hoarder. I have offered Kyle my help to clean out Kyle's storage unit. And Kyle keeps turning me down until I said, you know what, Kyle? I am happy to help you on your terms. I understand you don't want to get rid of everything, but can we organize it? Can I help you organize what you have? You don't have to get rid of a darn thing, but what you have needs to be organized so you can get to it. Kyle loved it. I finally said what Kyle needed to hear. I was willing to do it on Kyle's terms, understanding, and it has been a recent revelation about people that hoard stuff for me, that it is a meant not a mental illness, but it's a mental thing that they can't get rid of things. Just like it's a mental thing for me to have anxiety when there's too much stuff. So I affirmed Kyle before I gave my advice. So you can start with things like, I trust you, you've got this. And then if they're open to it, do you want my thoughts? Again, it's a game changer. I want to give you a quick reminder: if you're planning on any traveling coming up, the checklist I mentioned is on the website. So you don't have to remember everything because let's be honest, none of us are remembering everything anymore. Sorry, just wanted to say that again. Don't want you to forget. And oh my gosh. Here is my I'm not doing this anymore segment for this week. This week, I'm not feeling bad for taking naps. Nope. If I'm tired, I'm tired. I don't sleep great at night. I'm a lady of a certain age. We don't sleep great. Three o'clock is our witching hour. I'm awake from three to five most nights. Um, if I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm not pushing through to prove anything, pretending I have endless energy, or acting like rest is a weakness. Because let me tell you something. Naps are not laziness, naps are survival, naps are self-care with a blanket. And at this stage of life, if anybody wants, I'm sorry, if my body says sit down, I'm not arguing, I'm listening. We are not feeling guilty for resting anymore. All right, back to our regularly scheduled program. The hardest part is watching our adult kids make mistakes, take different paths, and do things you wouldn't do, and not jumping in. Both of our kids went to college. Neither one of our kids is doing what they went to college for. But I will tell you something about both of my kids. Both of my kids are living their best life, doing jobs they love. Are they making a fortune? No. Are they making enough to get by? Yes. Are they happy with their jobs? Absolutely. And Craig, more so than I, wants to fix that piece all the time. And I think I finally got him convinced that our children's happiness is more important than money. They need to make enough to get by, they need to figure things out. Have I helped financially here and there? Absolutely. I'm a mom and I'm a fixer. But here's the truth: growth comes from experience, not from perfectly following advice. And if we're honest, we didn't listen to everything either. And I will tell you, Kyle has gone through probably the hardest of my two children. But guess what? Kyle has also paralleled a huge amount of things in my life. A lot of the bad things that Kyle didn't even know I did. Kyle has done. Nature versus nurture. Just a reminder, I have two other episodes, I have two other podcasts inside Marcy's Mind and Unbottled, which is all about sobriety, real talk, and actually looks like to change your life from alcohol. Everything lives on my website, MarcyBackusMedia.com. You can find it all there. The checklists, the pictures, anything I talk about on here, you can find there. What is the relationship you want now with your kids? At this stage, you're not raising them anymore. You're building an adult relationship. And it needs to look like respect, trust, and space. And yes, a little biting your tongue. It's not going to kill you, people. So if you're feeling that urge to jump in, fix, or guide, just pause for a second. Ask yourself: do they need me to lead or just to support? Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is step back, trust them, and still be right there when they need us. And trust me. I've been right there when both of them have needed me. And both of them have needed me in some really powerful ways as adults. And we are working through that. And it's hard, but the best thing we most powerful thing we can do a lot of times is step back, trust them, and still be right there, just like I said. Because around here, we're not aging quietly, we're aging intentionally. Thank you for spending this time with me today. If this episode made you laugh, think, or maybe pause before giving advice, make sure you follow, share, share it with a friend and come back next week. I am losing my mind here because we've got a lot more life to live, and we're going to do it our way. I hope this episode was beneficial to you and your relationship with your adult kids. It's an important relationship. It needs to be respected on both ends. And I hope, hope you found something in this episode to do that. All right, everybody. See you next week.