Family Gathering Survival Guide

Family gatherings can flip from sweet to stressful in one sentence. We’ve all seen it: the best intentions at the table, then a stray comment about politics, money, parenting, or who “never calls,” and suddenly you’re back in an old role you thought you outgrew decades ago.

We talk candidly about aging, retirement, and how family dynamics shift over time. Parents become the ones who need support, adult children make choices we don’t always understand, and siblings still know exactly how to push our buttons. I share what I’ve learned from both the families I’m part of and the ones I wish were less splintered, plus why success no longer looks like everyone behaving perfectly. For me, it looks like laughing at least once, making a memory, and leaving while we still love each other.

You’ll get seven practical strategies you can use right away: lower expectations so “good enough” is the win, decide boundaries before you need them, stop trying to win conversations, let adult kids live and share their own lives, give everyone a useful role, build in breathing room, and look for the moment instead of chasing a masterpiece. We also dig into grace, taking a pause before reacting, and saying the loving thing out loud because time moves fast and the chairs around the table don’t stay filled forever.

If you’re navigating holiday stress, caregiving changes, or just want healthier boundaries and better communication with family, this one is your toolkit. Subscribe, share with someone hosting soon, and leave a review so more people can find our little corner of the world.

Transcript

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Welcome Back From Vacation

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello and welcome to AGNA for Sissies. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Well, hello, my friends, and welcome back to AGNA for Sissies. We are back to our live episodes. I did take a couple of weeks off. I am Marcy, and I am so glad you're here. I have to tell you, it feels really good to be sitting behind the microphone again. For the past couple of weeks, you've been listening to some of my favorite rerun episodes while I took a little vacation. First of all, thank you. And I sure hope you enjoyed the episode with me and my great niece Brooke. She's quite a bit older now from that episode. Maybe this time when I'm in Arizona in August, Brookie and I'll have to do another episode because I certainly enjoy when I get to work with her. But I did take a little vacation and I want to thank you over and over again for enjoying episodes while I'm gone. I used to always try to um record an episode when I was traveling. And you know, that's hard. I have to carry my laptop with me and et cetera. So it was really great to just pick a couple of my favorite episodes and have everybody stick by me while I was traveling. If it's your first time and you've listened to some of those episodes, I hope you got a chance to know me a little better. But now I'm home. My suitcase is unpacked. Very unpacked. I'm one of those. Yes, I am. I am one of those that unpacks their suitcase immediately upon getting home, no matter how late it is. So I you may not be that person. I am. I thought I was going to be traveling again this weekend, but I am not. I did get all the laundry done. The refrigerator is stocked again. Mail has been sorted. Is that not just the most awful job? I know first world problems, but going through the mail, I had like 15 catalogs and things from um Viking River cruises. Honestly, Viking. I've taken five of your cruises, river and ocean. I'm now ready to not do that for a while. So take a chill pill. But man, I came home to a lot of that. Um reality hits you right in the face when you get home. You know, not so much now as when I had kids. We used to call it re-entry, and re-entry was never easy. But I'm happy to be home. I'm happy to my life. I think that's one of the things I love is a routine, even though my routine is this week has been extraordinarily busy. We had a lot of dinners, not complaining, great dinners, but helping out some a friend with some things. And then we had a friend, um, Lance, who is leaving and going back to Canada. I can't blame him. And I just actually had to run across the street over to the cathedral for a little goodbye for him, forced myself to eat a small piece of the Cheesecake Factory cheesecake, which was delicious. Then I ended up in an impromptu meeting over there. You know, I love my life. My life is what I want it to be, and I hope yours is too. That's part about what aging A for Sissies is is talking about how our lives are different. So coming back from vacation is a little different than having kids. And, you know, when you're on vacation about the third day, you've completely forgotten what day of the week it is. You think I could absolutely live like this forever. I can't. That you're because you're suddenly then standing in your kitchen wondering why you have 17 emails, a dead house plant, and absolutely nothing for dinner. You know, vacation is definitely a give and take thing. Life has a funny way of saying welcome home. But vacations are funny too. We spend weeks planning them. We count down the days, we promise ourselves we're going to relax, and then somehow we come home needing a vacation from our vacation. This was not that for me. I've had many of those. This was not. I made sure that first week we were at our friend's beach house. I sat on the deck every day, all day. I met girlfriends for dinner one night. We went to um Pageant of the Masters. If you've never been, you don't know what it is. It's in Laguna Um Beach and it's fabulous. Um but I spent that first week doing and I didn't even work out. I didn't even try. I didn't attempt any long walks. I did a few walks here and there, but I really just laid myself out and enjoyed and relaxed. I really did. And then the next week I was with Kyle and we were, we had things to do, but you know what? Kyle and I worked at what we needed to do. We had we had a program and some plans that not fun. We had storage unit to go through and organize, which is my my forte is organization. So I loved it. We'd get together early in the morning, we'd have a little breakfast, we'd get things done, we'd go out for a dinner, lunch, and then Kyle would go Kyle's way and I'd go my way. And we got a lot accomplished, but uh we didn't overdo our time together either, and we had a great time. All right.

Airports And Human Nature

SPEAKER_00 5:20

You know, airports alone could keep me entertained for hours. I don't know about you. There's families trying to keep toddlers from sprinting into the moving walkway. There's a couple arguing over who packed too much. There's a person trying to stuff what appears to be a full-size comforter into an overhead bin. And then there's me, wondering why I thought I only needed one pair of comfortable shoes. But that's because I do. I travel light. But every trip reminds me of something. People are wonderfully different. Some people have every minute planned. Others wake up and say, what should we do today? Some people travel with one tiny carry-on. That's me. Some look like they're relocating to another country and they just might be. But boy, I saw some giant suitcases this time. And somehow families put all those personalities together. Which brings me to today's topic.

Why Family Gatherings Get Messy

SPEAKER_00 6:19

Welcome to the survival guide. So this summer we're doing a complete retiree's survival guide. And today it's about families. Every family gathering starts with the very best intention. Someone says, this is going to be wonderful. Everyone will be together. How many times have you heard that? And for a little while it is. Then somebody mentions politics or money or parenting, or who hasn't called enough, or why Aunt Betty insists on bringing the same green bean casserole every single year. Before long, you're standing in the kitchen thinking, well, that escalated quickly. The truth is, family gatherings are beautiful. And if you think about them in the right way, they're messy, they're allowed, they're emotional, they're exhausting. Sometimes they're all those things before dessert. And here's what I've learned as I've gotten older. The goal isn't to have a perfect family gathering. The goal is to leave, still loving each other, and that success. Now I'm going to be very transparent with you. My family, my siblings are eight, 10, and 12 years older than I am. When I was younger in my teens, early 20s, mid-20s, my siblings and my parents would get together in the summers and I would come along. I didn't feel like I fit in. I didn't feel like a part of the group because I didn't camp. I was alone. I was a teenager or a young adult. I was probably not a teenager. I would say I was in my early 20s. You know, I would show up and I would, you know, stay at a cabin near my parents and everybody else would camp. Everybody had young kids. I just didn't feel like I fit. But they did get together and they did do it. And I always loved it and I loved being there and just being a part of it. The problem with my family is that we are very splintered. So I'm going to be talking about this, but I want you to understand that I'm working off of some research I've done, some past family things. Craig's family gets together way more than mine does. Um, so I have that to draw on. But my own personal family sadly is splintered. I it makes me sad because now the youngest, the grandkids, which are my nieces and nephews, are all in their 50s. They all have kids. The fact that we don't get together as a family is a very sore spot for me, but I want to talk to you about it because I'm hoping that you do do this and that you don't let what can happen stop you from doing it. So, first let's talk about nobody warned me that our parents would some someday become the ones needing help. I wasn't warned about that. That our children would become adults and make decisions we wouldn't always understand. Now, this podcast, let me clarify too, is not just about family gatherings, it's about family dynamics. So I I I think the parent getting older thing shocked me because I don't know if it really shocked me. I'm really now all of a sudden I wrote this and I'm thinking more about it. I um I was the youngest. I felt like they'd be here forever in the same condition that I got them in. And it's not the way it is. And I've warned my kids because nobody warned me. Uh nobody warned me that our children would become adults and make decisions we wouldn't always understand. Nobody warned me that siblings would still know exactly how to push my buttons, even after 65 years. Seriously. You can spend your entire career leading meetings, solving problems, raising children, paying taxes, buying homes, buying cars. Um and one comment from your older sibling can make you feel like you're 12 years old again. How is that possible? Nobody warned me that we'd eventually become the family elders. One day you look around the room and realize you're one of the adults everyone looks to. And I remember when that happened. I remember when I was the youngest, and then nieces and nephews became 30, and now I was the elder. I don't know when all this happened because I still feel like I'm 25 in my head, and nobody's gonna take that away from me. I walk around the world wondering when I'm gonna feel like a grown-up, and I've had many very grown-up responsibilities. I do feel like I'm 25. Well, until I stand up too fast, and then no, or I've walked so much that my hips hurt. Nobody warn me that family changes. People move away, children marry, grandchildren arrive, parents age. I don't know why this one's making me so emotional, but it is. Some chairs become empty, new chairs get added. Every family gathering tells a story of time passing. And while that's bittersweet, it's also to remind, it's also a reminder not to miss the moments we're given. And that is something I wrote that in here because I believe that wholeheartedly. Because here's something I've been thinking about after being away on a vacation. Trips end, summer ends, children grow up, parents grow older, life keeps moving, whether you're ready or not. Maybe that's why family gatherings matter so much, and why it breaks my heart that I don't have any. They're little snapshots in time, pictures will remember years from now. I'm a great great aunt. I know I'm 65, I have no grandchildren, but I have great great nieces and nephews, and quite a few of them. I don't get to know all of them, and I wish I could. But these are little snapshots in times. Pictures will remember years from now. Not because everything went perfectly, so remember that, but because we're together. You know, I used to think successful family gatherings meant everybody everyone getting along. Now I think success is much simpler. Did we laugh? Did we make a memory? Did someone tell the same story they've told for 20 years? Did we hug goodbye? Then maybe, just maybe. It was a pretty good day. For the time I do get together with family, that's what I think about. I do have a relationship. Well, I did with all my siblings. I don't with one of them now, but I'm grateful for the relationships that I have, although it's not with all of them and not, and it's just because of time and place. The ones I have are super important to me. Chris and Beth mean the world to me. David and Angie, the kids, all the kids. I've been an aunt since I was 10. It's a huge part of my identity. All right, I'm gonna take just a minute here.

When Family Roles And Aging Shift

SPEAKER_00 13:52

I'm gonna talk about the six survival strategies that completely change how I approach family gatherings. Okay. And this is any family gathering. My family gathering Craig's, they're practical, they're simple, and I promise one of them alone might save your next holiday dinner. Don't go anywhere, we'll be right back.

Quick Break And Other Podcasts

SPEAKER_00 14:14

I'm gonna give you a little commercial here about my other podcasts. My other podcasts are aging eight for sissy. This is aging eight for sussies, is unbottled. Okay, that is my sobriety podcast. Can you tell I got distracted? I can tell I got distracted. Something happened on my screen, it distracted me. So I have two other podcasts. Um, Unbottled, which is my, as I said, my sobriety podcast, which I'm very proud of, and it's growing really quickly. And I also have inside Marcy's mind where, you know, whatever's happening in this old toboggan of mine. Toboggan, noggin, um, comes out in the podcast. It can be great tips, it can be tips, tricks, it can be what I'm thinking, it could be political. I don't know. It can be a lot of things. So check them out. Wherever you got this podcast, you can get those podcasts. All right, we're gonna head right back into our podcast now and talk about that family survivalist that's in me, what I do to survive. All right.

Seven Strategies For Family Peace

SPEAKER_00 15:21

So, what are my seven strategies that I use? Okay. Um, number one, lower the bar before you raise the table. Okay, do you hear me? Lower the bar before you raise the table. Expectations are often the first source of trouble. We imagine how the day should go. Everybody will arrive on time, everyone will appreciate the food, the children will be chill for all. All those things. It's not gonna happen. Actual humans arrive before the gathering. Ask yourself, what would make this day good enough? Good enough, not perfect, not the best, but good enough. Maybe it's one relaxed conversation, maybe it's getting a picture of everyone. Set your expectations low, but not nothing. Pick a realistic definition of success. If your definition is everyone behaves exactly the way I want, you've created a hostage situation, not a celebration. People are going to be themselves. Meet them where they're at. That's what I try to do. My job is not to control the room, my job is to bring the best version of me into it. And that is always my goal. Strategy number two: decide your boundaries before you need them. If you set them ahead of time, it's going to be a lot better off. So maybe your health is private. Maybe your marriage is not a group project, maybe your adult's child life is not yours to explain. Maybe politics is off the table. Whatever it is for you, prepare one calm sentence. Oh, I'm not discussing that today. Or I appreciate your concern, but I have it handled. Or I appreciate your concern, but ask my child about their life if the child's there. Let's talk about something we can all enjoy. Come up with a sentence, have it ready to go. Then stop. That's all you need to say. Don't give a 20-minute defense of your boundary. Set your boundary and move forward. And you're allowed to repeat that. Oh, you know what? As I said, I'm not discussing that today. Always stay kind and calm and boring. Just decide in advance what's what's negotiable, what's talkable. It's okay to have things you don't want to talk about. There's been times I don't want to talk about my kids. They're not in a great space. Their adults ask them. Other times, I'm happy to talk about the kids. They're doing great and I'm happy to share. But I set that boundary myself. And I'm not nasty about it. Stop trying to win conversations. Now, this is, I think, everybody's problem. Not every incorrect statement requires a response. Now, this is something I think husbands and wives, especially. A husband's telling a story, the wife corrects it. No, she was in her Jeep, not the Volkswagen. Does that really matter the story? No, it doesn't. Craig tells stories wrong all the time. 75% of the time I let him. 25% I correct. I try to remember, does it really matter? No. Does it change the entire story? No. Usually the details are embellished one way or another. Does it matter? No. It's more annoying to have somebody change somebody's story in the middle of it than to listen to the wrong story. Okay? So just remember that. You know? Does this matter in 10 minutes? No. Will it matter in 10 days? No. Most of the time the answer is no, no, no, no, no. If the answer is yes, you can and you say something, oh, I remember it differently. That's all you have to say. Or that wasn't my experience. And if you're arguing with someone, we're probably not gonna agree. So let's agree to disagree. I love you too much to do this. If you can. Um you know I think as people and as with our siblings, we put up with a lot of nonsense. And I let it go. Because my relationship with that person is bigger than the thing they're saying or the thing they're saying wrong or the assumption they have about me. I don't like confrontation, and most of the time I don't confront people to save them from me. People may think I don't like confrontation because I'm scared, I'm not. I'm scared for you. And that's the truth. So stop trying to win stop trying to win conversations. Let it be. It's not that big a deal. And let adult children live their own lives. And this is what I love. One of the reasons I love family celebrations is the time with my nieces and nephews. Honestly, Christmas may be the only time that I get to see some of my nieces and nephews. And it's a time to connect, it's a time for them to share their life with me. Let them share. They're out there living, they're out there doing it, they're excited. Please let them share that with you. Be interested, be listening. It's with my own kids. I meet my kids where they're at. I listen to what matters to them. You know, Craig always steers a conversation with them. I don't. If Alec wants to talk to me climbing, scootering, river rafting, whatever it is. If Kyle wants to talk to me about, you know, Pokemon and manga, not MAGA, but manga and all those things, I listen. I'm interested because it's what matters to them. This is about allowing people to feel comfortable. Number five is give everyone a useful role. Okay. Ask for specific help though. Not can somebody help. Okay, when we ask for specific help, we're talking about things like Craig, would you fill the water glasses? Oh, Susan, do you mind putting the rolls in a basket? John, could you take a picture before everyone sits down? You know, speaking of that, I was with some friends and I wanted a picture, and so before everybody Got there. I was the first one there. I asked our waiter. I said, when everybody gets here, before we get food on the table and all that, would you mind taking a picture? And it worked out great. I set my expectations for him ahead of time. We didn't forget the picture and we got a great picture. So people do better with clear jobs. Children can make place cards. Teenagers can create the music playlist or take family photos. They love that. Give them a purpose. People love a purpose. Adults can bring one dish, clear the table, organize a game. Don't take it all on yourself for family things. I think that's part of the biggest problem is a person takes on the role every year, year after year, and doesn't ask for clear help. And folding napkins, anything like that. I can bring a 12 cloth folded napkins to Christmas. I'm happy to do it. Like just set, give everyone a useful role. That's number five. Number six, build in breathing room. Okay. Family time is great. Maybe after dinner everybody goes for a walk. You know, figure out, go outside with the kids. I always had um sidewalk talk for kids to get them out. I always had things for kids to do. Um, you know, if you're hosting overnight guests, allow down time. People may need to read, nap, check their phones, or stare at a wall silently, you know. Just give people space. And when I'm at my nephew's, they know that. When I'm at David's and Angie's house, I'll say, I'm going to my room. Everybody's fine. I need to either take a nap or I just need time. I need quiet. So remember that when you're when you're hosting people, give them space. Ask them, it's always great to have a plan, but ask them if there's something that they'd like to do or don't feel like you need to be with them all the time. They can go off and do things on their own, give them some suggestions. Be prepared, but build in breathing room. And number seven, look for the moment, not the masterpiece.

Grace, Boundaries, And Letting Go

SPEAKER_00 24:11

We become we become so focused on making gathering special that we miss the special part. We are checking the food, clearing the plates, managing time, watching everyone's mood, and trying to create a memory. Meanwhile, the memory has already happened in the other room. That was one of my biggest problems. I had to clean up, and I realized that while I was cleaning up, I wasn't being a part. And people would ask if they could help, and I said no. Big mistake. Let people help, clear things off, have stacks of dirty dishes, have I have to have things neat, but I didn't have to have it in the dishwasher. And that was a mistake on my part. So look around, stop, take a mental picture. Do not fix anything for 60 seconds. Just notice. Notice who is there, notice whose voices are overlapping. Notice people talking to people, who's talking to who. Take that mental picture. Absolutely. So, what am I doing differently in all of this? The older I get, the less interested I am in pretending. I do not want to pretend everything is fine when it's not. I do not want to pretend I have unlimited energy because I don't. I do not want to spend three days making a perfect gathering and then be too tired to enjoy the people who came. I do not want to keep a family tradition alive merely because nobody has been brave enough to stop doing it. But I do want to keep things alive that are important for everyone. So food could be simpler: asking for help, accepting other people's help. It means leaving room for the gathering to become what it becomes. I'm also trying to pause before I react. That pause is not natural for me every time. When I feel hurt, misunderstood, or dismissed, part of me wants the other person to understand immediately and thoroughly, possibly through a presentation with supporting documents. But family conversations are rarely improved by the phrase, and another thing. So I'm practicing a pause. I'm asking myself, what am I feeling? What do I actually need? Does this need to be handled now? And sometimes it's just removing myself from a situation that could get much worse. And that's okay. And I will be honest with you, it's okay to cut people out of your life as you grow older. If a relationship doesn't serve me and I don't feel it's serving them, I don't need it anymore. Oh, families can trap one another and old identities. The irresponsible one, the bossy one, the sensitive one, the successful one, the difficult one, the baby, the peacemaker. Once a family assigns a role, it can take decades to recast. But I want you to remember people change. Grace changes everything. Give those people in your family grace. Give me grace. I've changed. Some of the ways I haven't changed, and some of the ways I have. Maybe they do, maybe they don't, but say it anyways. I'm glad you're here. I loved hearing your story. I'm proud of you. Drive safely. Text me when you get home, and I love you. The older I get, the less I want to love to the love to remain implied. All right.

Survival Kit Recap And Farewell

SPEAKER_00 27:58

So here's a little recap. Before we close, let us put everything into this week's survival kit. First, realistic expectations. Decide what's good what good enough looks like. Second, prepare a boundary sentence. Third, two rescue topics for changing the conversation. Fourth, a clear arrival and exit plan. Fifth, one specific job for each willing participant. Six, permission to take a break. Seven, your sense of humor. Do not leave home without that one. Family gatherings are rarely funny while the tension is happening. But later, many of our best stories begin with you're not going to believe what happened. All right. So family gatherings do not become meaningful because the table is beautiful, the food is perfect, or everybody behaves. They're meaningful because life is moving. Because the people at that table will never again be exactly those same ages, carrying exactly those stories and exactly this season. Because next time you get together, one of those chairs may be empty. So lower the pressure, keep the boundaries, let the children be adults, let the adult children be adults. Take the break, say the loving thing. And when the gathering gets a little strange because it will, remember, you are not failing. You are having a family.

Leave A Review And Next Week Tech

SPEAKER_00 29:40

You can also follow the show and leave a review. It helps more people find our little corner of the world if you do. Next week, we open the chapter four of the Aging Survival Guide, Surviving Technology, passwords, QR codes, streaming services, updates that somehow remove the one button you knew how to use, online scams, oh, artificial intelligence, and the mysterious belief that every appliance in your home needs an app. Why does my refrigerator need a Wi-Fi? Is it lonely? Does it need to connect? I don't know. We're gonna talk about it though. So I'm Marcy. Take good care of yourself, and I will talk to you next week. Have a great week. Enjoy this summer.