Friendships After 60

Nobody warns you that retirement can change your friendships as much as it changes your calendar. One day you’re surrounded by built-in community from work, kids, and routines, and the next you’re realizing how many relationships were held together by proximity instead of true connection. I open with a very real personal update about a hard week, then we get into something I wish more people said out loud: adult friendship after 60 can be joyful, confusing, and sometimes heartbreaking, all at once. 

We dig into how friendships evolve with relocation, caregiving, divorce, health scares, and grandparent life, and why that doesn’t automatically mean anything “went wrong.” I share a simple lens for sorting what you’re feeling: do you feel better after time with someone, or drained and tense? We talk about “chapter friends” versus lifetime friends, why it’s okay to stop forcing relationships, and how to avoid the trap of keeping score while still paying attention to reciprocity and patterns over time. 

We also get practical about making new friends in your 60s and beyond, including the awkward truth that asking someone to coffee can feel like middle school. The payoff is worth it: fresh community, real laughter, and people who know the current version of you. I end with a weekly reach-out challenge that’s meant to be easy and joyful. If this resonates, subscribe, share the show with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find these conversations about aging, retirement, and friendships.

Transcript

Copy

Stormy Week And Personal Update

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello and welcome to AGNA for Sissy's. My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host. Well, here in Chicago, this summer has been the wettest summer in the well, almost I'm going to my fifth year of living here. It's my fifth summer. Anyways, it's crazy. Today is the third day we are having major thunderstorms coming. And the funny thing is, they come from Iowa. And I didn't really realize that when I first moved here, and the news would say, This is what's happening in an Iowa. And I would think, well, who cares what's happening in Iowa? I live in Chicago. Well, you have to care because those storms eventually become our storms, which eventually become Michigan storms, which eventually become Ohio storm, and then New York. So on and so on, as you get that. Living on the West Coast, you know, they just come from the Pacific Ocean. So, anyhow, that was kind of my amusing little antidote for today. It's been a little bit of a crazy week. Um, my husband had a stroke on Monday. He's fine, just saying. But it kind of threw, or he had it Tuesday, Tuesday. Tuesday? What's today? Thursday? No, he had it Monday. Anyway, kind of threw off my life a little bit. He's doing well. He is still in the hospital, and his sister's with him, so that's a good thing. I'm here doing this. So that has thrown me for a bit of a loop. And I'm sure there's things in your lives that do that too. Usually I'm the one that's sick or in the hospital or something like that. The tide has turned here, though. And it's kind of interesting. I don't think either one of us are good at this. I think we're better at it the other way around. It's hard when somebody is sick and in the hospital and you're more worried for them than they are for themselves. I'll just tell you that. So if you've had a loved one who is super stubborn and is all about themselves, maybe a bit narcissistic, and they're in the hospital, wow, it's been an interesting thing. Again, what I've learned is you cannot care more about someone than they care about themselves. And that's been a rough lesson for me because I'm a fixer and I can't fix this one. So I'm letting the hospital do it, and the hospital tells him he can't leave. That's all he wants to do is leave. And I don't think that that's a good idea. And thank goodness they're not letting him go and they're doing more tests. So the good news is he didn't have any damage from any of that. So that's a good thing. So that's what's been going on here. Sorry to start it out a little heavy, but that's it. I hope, honestly, I hope your world is doing well. I am going on a trip to my favorite place, Arizona, next week, and I'm excited about that. I will be happy to be gone and spend time with friends and family. I love that. But I'll tell you, being a fixer, not being able to fix something, is not easy. It's not the first time it's happened to me, but I do like to fix things.

Why Friendships Shift With Age

SPEAKER_00 3:30

But today we're gonna talk about something interesting. We're gonna talk about friendships in retirement. And I have been very blessed in my life. I have had my best friend since sixth grade. And I have some have had some very, very strong friends throughout my life, and they're still a part of my life. I have friends everywhere we lived. I as a matter of fact, right now on my phone, I've been making arrangements with a friend that was my maid of honor and uh now lives in Arizona, so I get to see her when I come visit, and that is a long time. I that's I've been sober 38 years. That's a 38-year friendship. So, you know, but I know my podcasts are not just about me, and I like to talk about things for everyone. So this one is a little bit about Fred. So I want to welcome you here back to Aging A for Sissies. I am Marcy, and this summer we have been working our way through the Aging Survival Guide. Because apparently nobody hands you an instruction manual for this part of life. They don't hand you an instruction manual for anything, they'll give you instructions for assembling a bookshelf. They'll give you 47 pages of instructions for your new TV. My air fryer came with more guidance than I received for turning 60. But aging, nothing. Good luck, squat, diddly, nothing out there. Last week we did talk about downsizing. And you know how I have some feelings about that one. Four years ago, I went from a very large home to a very small place, got rid of about 90% of what we owned, and discovered something I never expected. I don't miss any of it. Actually, I've never been happier living with less. And while I was thinking about downsizing our stuff, it occurred to me that something else starts changing around this stage of life. Not just our stuff and downsizing, our friendships change. Now, before anybody gets nervous, I'm not suggesting we go home and Marie Kondo our friends. Although there are probably a couple of people out there right now thinking, hmm, does Linda spark joy? Yeah, I'm just kidding. I I have great friends. This part of my life is I've been very blessed with, and I'm very grateful for it. But no, I don't want you checking to see if your friends spark joy, like Marie Kondo says. Today isn't about getting rid of people, it's about recognizing that friendships change. And sometimes that change is wonderful, sometimes it's painful, and sometimes it's confusing. And sometimes you realize that the person you once talked to every single day is now somebody you send a birthday emoji to once a year. And somehow that's life. Don't freak out about it. So again, today's podcast is really something that I'm talking about for everyone because I have a lot of friends that listen to my podcasts, and you know who you are, and I am not talking about you. Everybody that's in my life, guess what? You're there. I've already culled the friendships I wanted to let go of. And I have done that. And if you're still in my circle, you've made the cut. I'm just kidding. I love my friends. I have great friends. And during this crisis with Craig, you all have been there and you all have been great. And in times of crisis, I'm a loner. I always have been, always will be. But that doesn't mean I don't love and need all of the offers of help. It just reminds me how lucky and blessed I am. So

Proximity Friends Versus Real Connection

SPEAKER_00 7:16

there is something I've noticed. When we're younger, friendships are often built into our lives. Think about it school, college, the neighborhood, work, kids' activities, soccer practice, PTA, church, the gym. You didn't necessarily have to go out and find friends. People were just there. And that is so true. Sometimes you just became friends simply because your children liked each other, and you found out you did too. You'd be sitting on a folding chair watching a six-year-old kick a soccer ball in completely the wrong direction, and suddenly you've got a new best friend. You spent Saturday mornings together, birthday parties, school events, graduations, and then something happens. The kids grow up, you move, somebody retires, somebody gets divorced, somebody becomes a grandparent and apparently disappears into the witness protection program with the grandchildren. Sometimes becomes a caregiver for their parents. Someone travels, someone gets sick, and suddenly the thing that was holding some friendships together is gone. That's when you start figuring out which friendships were based on proximity and which ones were based on connection. And those are not always the same thing. Now, but I am gonna tell you. When I moved, things changed. But let me tell you, when I do talk to them, it's like no time has gone by. So and there are some friendships that have dropped off from when I've moved. But I have friends that I could not talk to for quite some time. And when we talk, it's like no time passed. They are my friends. You have those too, I'm sure. But there are things that changed. When I moved here, I had all my girlfriends in California that I did things with, but they can't walk with me here. They couldn't meet me for coffee here. I had to figure this new piece out. Nobody warned me that adult friendship could be so complicated. And you know, it is because you move, they move, they get it just things change. And sometimes it means your friendship goes by the wayside. It doesn't always mean that. Because as kids, friendship was easy. Do you want to play? Yes. Best friends, done. At this age, friendship can require scheduling, like require scheduling software. Would you like to have lunch? Yes. Great. How's Tuesday? Can't. Wednesday, doctor, Thursday, hair, Friday, grandkids. How's October? Perfect, the person says. You know what I'm getting at. Sometimes you have you look to your calendar and think, apparently, we need a summit meeting to have a cob salad. But there's another piece of this that nobody talks about very much. As we

Noticing Who Lifts You Up

SPEAKER_00 10:16

get older, I think we become more aware of how people make us feel. When we're younger, we tolerate a lot. Maybe we keep friendships because we've known somebody forever, or because our families are connected, or because we're part of the same group, or because ending the friendship feels dramatic. But eventually something shifts. You start asking yourself, do I actually enjoy being around this person? Do I feel better after spending time with them? Can I be myself? Can I tell the truth? Do they celebrate the good things in my life? Do they show up when things aren't good? Well, that was exhausting. That doesn't mean every friendship has to be perfect. Good lord, none of us would have any friends. We would all have our stuff. I have my stuff. You have your stuff. Your friend has her stuff. That's humanity. But this is the difference between a friendship that occasionally takes work and one that constantly drains you. So look at your friends, and you may have to make some decisions. Maybe you've been bumped out of something and you think, oh, they made a decision because I wasn't participating. We have to have equal participation in our relationships. All of our relationships. You can only give so much when somebody isn't giving back. And that goes for your husband and your kids too. There has to be a two-way street. I don't have to participate in every relationship the way I used to. And I realize other people are making these decisions too. You've heard that story about friendships having season. This one has taken me some time to understand. Not every friendship is supposed to last forever. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. And that doesn't mean it failed. There are people who are incredibly important to us during a certain part of our life. Think about your life. Think about people that have come and gone just organically. Not because of any great fight or argument or hurt feelings or any of that female dramatic stuff. It's just a relationship that's come and gone. When your kids were young, maybe, maybe during a difficult period in your life, or maybe a particular job that you were in. Maybe when you live somewhere else, and then life changed. The friendship faded. For years, I think we were taught that a real friend was someone who stayed forever. I'm not sure I believe that anymore. Some people are lifetime friends, they're gold. And some people are chapter friends. And you can have a great chapter. Those chapter friends can still have been completely real. You can appreciate somebody for the role they played in your life. I want you to think about that. You can appreciate somebody for the role they played in your life. And I want you to always remember everything I'm saying can be on the other side. Somebody could look at you as a chapter friend. And that's just fine. Without trying to desperately to create recreate a relationship that belonged to another time. That's not cold. That's just recognizing life moves on. Here's strategy tip number two. Stop

Stop Keeping Score In Friendships

SPEAKER_00 13:46

keeping score. And this is with sisters and brothers and family members, too. Oh boy, this one gets us every time. I called her last time. I invited them last time. She hasn't texted me. They didn't include us. I always remember her birthday. Listen, sometimes keeping score is useful. If you're doing all the work for five years, that's information. But friendship accounting can become exhausting. There is no QuickBooks for relationships. And if there were, I don't want it. Sometimes people are busy, sometimes they're overwhelmed with their life. Sometimes they're they're terrible at texting. Sometimes they're dealing with things we know absolutely nothing about. And sometimes yes. They're just not making the friendship a priority anymore. Don't take it personally. The trick is learning the difference. Instead of keeping score, I think we can ask: is there still genuine care here? Does that person still care about me? Do I still care about them? And it has nothing to do with invitations and gifts and all that other garbage. Because someone can be a terrible communicator and still love you dearly. I've got friendships where we can go months without talking and then pick up the phone like we had lunch yesterday. And I treasure those. All right, here's strategy tip number three. Pay attention to reciprocity. Now I'm going to seemingly contradict everything I just said. Don't keep score, but do notice patterns. There's a difference. Friendship should not feel like you're constantly auditioning for somebody's attention. You shouldn't always have to be the one calling, inviting, checking in, supporting, apologizing, making excuses. Eventually you've got to ask: is this a mutual friendship? Not mathematically equal. That's impossible. There will be times when one friend needs more. If my friend is going through something terrible, I'm not sitting there saying, Well, I've called three times and no one's called me once. No, absolutely not. I'm not doing that. Of course not. But over the course of a healthy friendship, there needs to be some sense of we're both in it. We're both invested, right? Everybody needs to be invested. I real value the people, I really value, excuse me, the people who show up. All right, here's strategy number four.

Make Room For New Friends

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Make room for new friends. This is a big one. I don't want anybody listening to this show thinking, well, I already have my friends. Why? Who made that rule? We're not done meeting people. Some of the most interesting friendships of your life might still be ahead of you. And that's exciting. But you've got to be open. You have to sometimes be willing to say, Would you like to get coffee? Which, let's admit, feels strange. Like asking someone on a date. You meet someone and think, I like her. Then you wonder, does she like me? Should I ask for her number? Is that weird? We're 60 years old, standing there like we're in seventh grade. But do it. Invite someone to lunch. Take the person next to you at a class, join something, take the trip, go to the event, show up. New friendships don't happen if we're closed. I started going four years or three years ago, three and a half years ago, to the pool for aqua aerobics. And there is a group of women who are phenomenal in there. I am now blessed to call them friends. When I first started going, though, I was intimidated. And I know all of you that know me think Marcy, intimidated. Yeah, I get intimidated more than you think. And Mary Allen asked me to coffee four or five times. You know, we go out for coffee. You can join us. I didn't do it, I didn't do it. And one time I did it, and I haven't stopped going since. I have true friends, I have I have I have so many new friends that honestly I could call on for anything, and I do, and vice versa. And I go to lunches, I go to concerts, I we have a life outside the pool, and I am so blessed. So say yes. When someone invites you, don't be scared. Go. I know it's hard. We're old. But keep room in your life for new people. I'm grateful I did, and I'm grateful I went to coffee that day.

History Does Not Equal Intimacy

SPEAKER_00 18:49

I don't ever want you to confuse history with intimacy. Just because you've known someone for 40 years doesn't necessarily mean they know the current version of you. History is wonderful. There's something amazing about a friend who remembers when you were 22, 22. I've got someone that remembers when I was 11. They remember the bad haircut, the boyfriend. They remember when you thought shoulder pads were flattering and stirrup pants were the cat's meow. Actually, we all thought shoulder pads were flattering. We were wrong. Oh my God, look at back at shoulder pads. Oi, oi, oi. But there's something really beautiful about a shared history. However, history alone doesn't create intimacy. You can know somebody for six months and have a deeper emotional connection than you have with someone you've known for 30 years. And that's true too. The question isn't only how long have you known each other? The question is, can I be myself with you now? Because we're changing. Hopefully, I'm not exactly the woman I was at 30, thank God. And I'm certainly not the woman I was at 20. Again, thank God. The best friendships allow you to grow without constantly trying to pull you back into who you used to be. And that can be with family members too. Keep that in mind. Survival

Be The Friend You Want

SPEAKER_00 20:16

tip number six. And the last survival tip, by the way. Be the friends you want to have. This is where all you have to do is look in the mirror. It is very easy to talk about what everybody else isn't doing. They never call, they don't check in, they forgot my birthday. Fine. But what kind of friend have you been? Are you checking in? Are you listening? Are you celebrating other people's wins? Are you checking in on people? I make a conscious effort to do that. I'm not going to say I was always that person, but I try now. When a friend says something to me, I clock it. My friend Mary Goodkind is going to a fancy wedding that she's been planning for for the last three months. And I taught we talked about it today, and I'm so excited for her. My friend Joan is moving and packing. My friend Sheldon was missing from the pool for a few days. I text him to find out what was going on. When new people come into our workout session, into our pool, I try to remember names. I try to make an effort to be the kind of person that I want people to be for me. I value my friendships. I hope you value yours. And yes, there may be a few friends in your life you need to let go of. I've already done that. It wasn't easy, but it was important for me to do. It was probably the best thing for me and the best thing for her. Family members can be the same way. My sister and I had uh dust up in January, and I'm sure we're both fine where things are at. I'm fine. I hope Cindy's fine. Because I value what I need in my life. And I'm sure Cindy does too. And I think our sister relationship had gone its course. One of the things I'm trying to do at this point in my life is to stop forcing relationships. That doesn't mean abandoning people. It means I'm paying attention to where there is ease, honesty, and genuine connection. I want you to do the same. I want friendships where we can laugh. Oh my gosh. And I mean, really laugh. I called my bestie this morning because I was having a hard time. And what happened at the beginning of that phone call made me laugh. It's still making me laugh. I needed that laugh. And it was a total unintentional start to the phone conversation. It wasn't meant to happen. But when we finally got to the reason I called, I really needed that laugh to start out what I needed to say. We need the kind of friendships where somebody says something completely inappropriate and you almost spit out your diet coke. I want friends I can talk to about real life. I don't want to have to hide my life from my friends. Not just the polished version, not just the Instagram version. I want people who can say, Marcy, you're being ridiculous. Because sometimes I am. And everybody needs at least one friend who will lovingly tell them, no, absolutely not. Put down the phone, do not send that text. That is a public service announcement. And I want to be thankful for that kind of friend. A safe person, a fun friend, someone who shows up, someone who can listen without immediately trying to fix everything. And perhaps most importantly, I want to appreciate the friends I have while I have them. And I want my, I know when I call my bestie and I say, bring the shovel, they're not going to ask why and they're going to show up. I hope you have friends like that too. Because we spend so much time worrying about relationships that aren't working that sometimes we forget to enjoy the ones that are.

Smaller Circles And Life Editing

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Okay. My last piece to this: if your friendship looks different today than it did 10 years ago, you're not alone. If you've lost a friend and still don't completely understand why, it's okay. If somebody you thought would always be a part of your life isn't anymore, again, you're not alone. If you've realized you're no longer fit comfortably into a friendship you had forever, you're not alone. And if your small circle has gotten smaller, that doesn't necessarily mean something has gone wrong. Sometimes smaller is better. Last week we talked about going from 4,000 square feet to 800. And maybe friendship can be a little like that. More isn't always better. Maybe what matters is having room for what you actually love and then having room for more. I don't need 50 close friends. I need the people who know me, and I have them. I hope you can find them, or I hope you have them. People who know they can call on me too, and I can call on them. That's a pretty good circle, whether it's one or twenty. This

Reach Out Challenge And Closing

SPEAKER_00 25:24

week's survival challenge, here's your challenge this week. I want you to think of one person you've been meaning to reach out to. Not the person who repeatedly hurts you, not someone who desperately, not any of the negative people, just somebody that maybe you both got busy. And you love that person. Call them. If they live close, invite them to coffee. Say, I've been thinking about you, let's get together. That's it. Don't overthink it. Do it. I hope you handled last week's challenge well and made got rid of a few things. This week's challenge should be easy and joyful. Here's what I keep learning as I get older. Life gets edited, our homes get edited, our priorities get edited, our calendars get edited. And yes, sometimes our relationships get edited too. But editing doesn't mean life gets smaller. Sometimes it means what's left becomes clearer. And people who make you, the people who make you laugh, the people who let you cry, the people who know your stories, the people you're still creating new stories with, those relationships, treasure them. And again, keep your heart open because there may still be someone you haven't even met yet who's going to become one of your favorite people. And I can tell you, moving here, my heart was closed. And when I opened it, oh did I get a treasure trove of fabulous, amazing, glorious women. They are unique, they are different, they are classy. And they are a great group of friends to add to my other great group of friends. I'm Marcy, and this is Aging Ain't for Sissies, because getting older may change your friendships, but it certainly doesn't mean we're done making them.